


Henry Oak & Darryl Wilson: The Juicy Quotes (feat. Mercedes Oak-Garcia)

by abscontrix



Category: Dungeons and Daddies (Podcast)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2020-10-14 09:44:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20598713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abscontrix/pseuds/abscontrix
Summary: Literally just excerpts from the transcripts showing the evolution of Henry and Darryl's relationship in canon, including some individual character choices that I find interesting. Absolutely no OC and I don't own a word of it. Copy from DADGUT.Seems AWFULLY SUGGESTIVE to me. Curation provided as a "public service" (so everyone can write more fic).Mercedes Oak-Garcia content to be included as I get to those episodes.With sincere apologies to the cast.





	1. Episode 1: "Okay Boys, Looks Like Our Ride is Here!"

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Dungeons and Daddies](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/533671) by Anthony Burch, Matt Arnold, Will Campos, Beth May, Freddie Wong. 
**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Updated Nov 2019 to "complete" chapter notes.

Henry: Okay boys, it looks like our ride is here! It seems like the other adults have come in their low mileage van, that's not great for the Earth but, you know, I guess we’re carpooling so it's okay. C’mon kids, let’s go!  
...  
Darryl: Woah! Hey there, boys! Hey, you must be Henry! How’s it goin’? My name’s Darryl, Darryl Wilson!

Henry: H-Hey, Henry, it’s, uh, wait—

Anthony: You guys don’t have to actually, physically shake hands in real life!

Matt: Hey there, man, it’s just about being polite, you can tell a lot about a man from a handshake!

Henry: Hey there, Darryl, these are my two beautiful boys, Lark and Sparrow—

Darryl: Sorry, I misheard that, what were their names again?

Henry: [slowly]**Lark and Sparrow, that’s Lark Oak and Sparrow Oak, and we’re so excited for the game today. You know, my kid, Sparrow, drew the Doodler! So we’re really pumped to see these new uniforms.  
...  
Henry: All those art lessons at the Montessori preschool he went to really paid off.

Darryl: [whispers] Hey Glenn, take a look at this guy, am I right?

....

Darryl: I like your boys!

[...]

Henry: Are you boys buckled up back there?

Lark and Sparrow: Boy, oh boy, are we ever!

Darryl: Alright!

Anthony: If you look, they’re super not.

Darryl: Uh, hey Henry! I don’t mean to call your kids a liar, but—

Henry: Oh they’ll buckle up once we get started.

Lark/Sparrow: Relationships are built on trust, that’s what you tell me. You should trust that we’re going to buckle up!

Henry: You know, I’m tryna’ let them make their own decisions, it’s called free-range parenting.

Matt: I stare at the mirror for a very long time and finally I just start driving without a word.

\---

Darryl: Sounds good! Hey, Ron and Henry, would you mind sharing a seatbelt? I don’t want anybody to not be buckled up and there’s not enough for you back there, so…

Ron: No, it’s okay, safety is not a priority—

Henry: No problem!

Will: I go ahead and I reach the seatbelt around and buckle in with Ron.

Matt: Fantastic, I turn on some kick ass dad-rock. Freddie what is good dad-rock... I mean—

Darryl: Hey, Glenn, why don’t we play some of your music? You got any CDs or cassette tapes?

Henry: Actually my wife, Mercedes Oak-Garcia, she’s on KPSC right now doing the Rock Block of Bach! If you guys wanna listen to a little baroque-period music.

Darryl: Hey Ron, what sort of music do you like to listen to?

Ron: Um, Rufus Wainwright?

Darryl: Alright, I’m puttin’ on 60s and 70s greatest hits as we go.

Matt: And I turn on and it starts playing Led Zeppelin.

Anthony: Okay, you head off towards the regional soccer tournament.

\----

Henry: Uh, excuse me Mr. Driver, sir, Darryl, hi, it’s me Henry here—

Darryl: I know your name, Henry, don’t worry about it, how’s it going buddy?

Henry: —here in the way back seats with my two boys, Lark and Sparrow, I was wondering if you have any band-aids up there? Lark and Sparrow have been goofing around, I’ve been trying to keep these two knuckleheads under control and I think we’ve got a bit of a booboo situation out here.

Darryl: Grant, give ‘em some bandaids from that survival pack right there underneath your seat.

....

Anthony: Alright, you miss with the iodine. The bottle spills all over the backseat of the Odyssey.  
...  
Henry: Oh geez! Oh geez! Oh geez! I’m so sorry, Darryl.

Matt: I can’t even respond, Darryl just keeps driving. He turns up the volume of “Graceland”.

Freddie: And from the back I notice his knuckles: white, as they grip the steering wheel.

\---

Henry: Gentleman, I would like to talk about the rocks for a second. I can’t help but— do you remember that scene in Jurassic Park where Ellie Satler, the very attractive Laura Dern, is looking at the leaves and she notices that the leaves are different and that’s kinda the first clue that—

Matt: Darryl Wilson’s turning up the volume.

[all laugh]

Henry: [louder] —that something strange is going on! I can’t help but notice that these rock formations are quite unusual, I really think we should pull over!  
...  
Matt: I make the sign of the cross.  
...  
Darryl: Grant! Grant! Grant, call your mom, Grant! Something’s happening, Grant! Call your mom!

Grant: Oh, I got a victory royale. Hell yeah.  
...  
Darryl: Grant!

\---

Anthony: Every single sense that you have is overtaken, you feel with more certainty than gravity exists, that up is up and down is down, that you have not been a good father to your child.

Matt: Darryl Wilson takes his sunglasses that are on the top of his baseball cap and puts them over his eyes so nobody can see him crying, because he is absolutely weeping.

\---

Darryl: Roll call! Darryl Wilson here, roll call!

Henry: Henry Oak, sounding off from the back, Darryl!

Darryl: Don’t care about Henry, anybody else, roll call! Grant? Roll call! Kids, Grant?  
...  
Henry: I don’t wanna be a bother, but my sons are also missing.  
...  
Matt: I put the child safety locks on—

Darryl: Everybody stop for a second!  
...  
Anthony: Okay, so you can tell almost immediately that something is very wrong. Not just the fact that, you know, your kids are gone, but the sun is not in the right position from where you just were. When you were driving it was about to become noon, and now it looks more like it’s almost sunset. The trees around you are not trees you’ve ever seen in California before, and there’s a lot fewer mountains than you thought, you remember you were right next to a mountain and you don’t see the mountain anymore.

Darryl: Guys, it’s pretty weird out here.  
…  
Will: I’m slowly trying to curtail the excitement I’m feeling about all this new discovery stuff, I’m freaked out about my kids but I’m also like “Whoa, this is crazy, something crazy’s going on” so I try to project an air of authority to mask the fact that I’m more excited than I care to admit.  
….  
Henry: Alright! Alright! Everybody listen up! It is very important that when we’re in a survival situation, we all stay calm! So please stay calm, please stay calm! Our sons are not dead probably, although they might be! And there has been many scary rocks and new trees unlike anything I’ve ever seen before, so I just think it’s really important that we all stay calm. I just wanted to say that again, I’m Henry Oak, it’s nice to meet you all and I’m sorry about the iodine.

\---

Darryl: Are any of you thinking that we’re not in California anymore?

Henry: You, I have to say, it sounds a little silly but given that we’ve seem to have fallen through some sort of space time vortex, that I would agree with you Darryl. Also, again, I can’t stress this enough: these rocks and trees are very different and very strange, and not from any California region that I’m aware of. These are not redwoods, y’all.

\---

Darryl: [ heavy breathing ] You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch, Grant doesn’t listen to it for two seconds, if he would listen to it for two seconds he’d fuckin’ like Graceland if he’d fuckin’ listen to it. I listen to m-aye-gos [ Migos ], six-ex-eye-nine-eye, [ 6ix9ine ] or whatever it is, and Logic, doesn’t listen to me whatsoever! ... Fuckin’ doesn’t listen, Darryl doesn’t— nobody listens in this goddamn car. Don’t have their seatbelts on, no wonder they’re fuckin’ hurt!

...

Darryl: How hurt are ya there, Henry?

...

Will: Henry, having seen this crazy display by Darryl, feels something inside him he’s never felt before, an ancient elemental power seems to activate within him! And his eyes go green! And he stretches out his hand! And a poison spray blasts forth from his palm!

...

Darryl: Do something.

...

Will: So once more Henry, still horrified by the spray of poison that flung out of his hand, looks up and sees the guy running away and thinks of his two beautiful boys being lost in this scary world and another veritable nature orgasm shoots through his body and he seizes with green energy, and vines shoot from his hands!

...

Matt: Darryl Wilson, I get up and my eyes are just dead inside and I walk straight to my minivan. I open up the trunk and I pull out, my “It’s a Pale Ale” 6-pack and I just start pulling them off and handing them to everybody.

...

Matt: I haven’t said anything yet, I just hand it to them whether or not they want it, and I start walking towards the guy whose tied up in the weeds, also pulling one out from him, walking towards him.

...

Matt: Also, as I’m handing them, I also kind of mutter. I point to the label, which is a beer in a pail and I go —

Darryl: [ quietly ] It’s a pail…

...

Will: I’m still in shock, I have no idea what just came over my body, so I’m pretty much just out for the count trying to recover right now.

Matt: I’m also—

Darryl: [ muttering ] They’re twist-offs, they’re twist-offs…

...

Matt: Well, if nobody else is doing anything, I walk right up to the gentleman and I hold a beer out and I go —

Darryl: [ sounding tired ] You boys put up a hell of a fight.

Matt: — and I reach the beer out to him and I go —

Darryl: My name is Darryl Wilson.

Anthony: And he, like, tries to reach at but he’s constrained by the vines.

Matt: I look over at Henry and I’m like —

Darryl: You did this…

Henry: [ frantic ] I don’t know how! I don’t know what’s going on!

Darryl: [ sighs ]

Matt: I pull the hatchet out and I raise it above my head and I go —

Darryl: You promise not to hurt us if I let you out?

Captive: Uh-huh. Yep. Yep. [...]

Henry: [ angry noises ]

Captive: Yeah, absolutely.

Will: Henry recovers himself just enough to say —

Henry: Sir, before you do that maybe we should bind him with this rope, I have some rope in the minivan.

Darryl: That’s a good idea…

Will: I hurry over to the minivan and get some rope and then I use my skills I learned from the Scouts to hogtie the guy. [...]

Matt: While he’s doing that I go over and I take two more pieces of my secret stash and I do meditation exercises.

...

Matt: I look at Henry with a little bit of guilt in my eyes an d I breathe…

...

Matt: I put my glasses down to hide the tears welling up in my eyes and I look at the three of them, I go —

Darryl: [ sighs ] Guys, this is tough but I feel like we’re a team. I think we can do this if we all stick together.

...

Matt: I take a big breath and I compose myself and I wipe my tears away. I turn and I look at everybody with that look, like, “Just pretend you don’t see me feeling things.”

Henry: You know, Darryl…

Matt: I roll my eyes instantly and [ groans ]. I know he saw me. [...]

Henry: We’re in a crazy situation, Darryl, you know this is something we’re all gonna have to chew on. You know I could be dancing the Charleston right now, but I’m really scared, so I think we should all just trust each other and relax and I know you’re gonna be okay. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to let it out.

....

Matt: I move my hand and I grab his beer and I just take it away from him, looking at him, and I start drinking it.

...

Henry: Phandalin...I think we gotta take number Three here to Phandalin and see if we can parlay him back for our kids. That’s my vote, that’s Henry’s vote, I’m just a guy though.

Matt: I use this opportunity, I step in front of him and I go full coach mode now, because I just got emasculated, I go—

Darryl: Damn right, that’s a good idea there, son.

Matt: I slap him on the back.  
...  
Darryl: Alright, let’s get in the van, everybody—

Henry: Cool, sounds like a good plan.

\--- 

Henry: Kemosabe is a Japanese term, I believe, he also might be referencing The Lone Ranger , that may be something Tonto says? I’m not quite sure—

[ Darryl honks the horn very loudly, which is just Matt making honking noises with his mouth and slapping the table… ]

Henry: You know, rocks and geology are more my area—

[ Darryl honks more ]

Matt: I’m just repeatedly honking for everybody to get in.

Henry: I think Darryl’s ready for us to go.

\---

Glenn: Hey, Henry, what’s up with those vines, dog?

Henry: Oh, I figured we were gonna have to talk about this at some point. I was there and then I felt a presence inside me…

Anthony: Henry, roll Religion.

Will: Okay, I got a 10.

Anthony: You got a 10. Okay, so you hear a voice coming from inside of you and somehow outside of you as well. It feels like the voice of a powerful entity. You cannot, unfortunately, make out what it says, but you definitely know that some force just contacted you and made be responsible for granting you these powers.

Henry: [ extreme stammering ] Uh, let’s talk about something else! I don’t know— it’s been a long day, uh, let’s talk about something else.

Darryl: I feel like that’s pretty much the only thing I wanna talk about. You had vines shot out of you. [...]

Henry: Well—

Ron: And that weird mist.

Darryl: Mist too. That was odd.

Henry: You know, I think maybe something’s happening to me and I’m still trying to get my bearings on it, so I would really enjoy it if you guys respected my privacy and let me work through what’s going on on my own.

Ron: Do you still have the condoms?

Henry: I sure do, and you know what? Just in case— I don’t know when the next time crazy shit is just gonna spray out of my body. So I’m gonna go ahead and put 10 condoms on my fingers for the time being, just to make sure that nothing bad happens.

Darryl: I appreciate that, I try to keep this care pretty clean there, Henry, I appreciate that.

Henry: I already feel bad about the iodine so I don’t wanna make any more messes in here, so you can consider me condomed up. [...]

Darryl: Regarding the iodine, [spoken similarly to “iodine”] I-don’t-mind… [...]

Henry: Ha! It’s been awhile since I’ve had a laugh, I appreciate a good joke…

\---

Henry: Perhaps we could disguise that fact that we’ve got this man shackled up? Like maybe we could conjure some sort of— maybe we could use some sort of deception or arrange some coats or blankets…

Darryl: You know what I’ve found is even more binding than rope? A gentleman’s agreement.

Matt: I put my hand out to Three, and I go—

Darryl: Darryl Wilson, I know we’ve already met but if we untie you do you promise you’ll stay with us?

Anthony: Are you telling the truth when you make this promise?

Matt: Yeah, absolutely.  
…  
Darryl: What do you guys say? I say we untie him and treat him like a gentleman. […] Guys, he’s really honest.  
…  
Anthony: He takes a drink...and he is healed back from the psychic damage you inflicted upon him by explaining—

Darryl: How does that bad boy taste?

Three: Uh, it’s fine. It’s not the best I’ve had.

Darryl: Alright.

Matt: I’m very hurt by this.

Anthony: You take 1d6 psychic damage.

Matt: Yeah, I was gonna say I would like to take psychic damage.

…

Henry: I suggest we venture forth but maintain our caution, for who knows what we shall find in these strange lands!

\---

Henry: So he lives in this Hans Christian Anderson house, and he’s a child-abducting, slave peddler?

Three: That’s an extremely offensive way to put what my master does…

Henry: Well I have to say, sir, I am extremely offended that he’s sold my children into slavery.

Three: Well, yeah, agree to disagree, but I feel like they’re probably more useful in the workforce.

Darryl: No offense Three, but I think you’re just gonna stay with us. A man doesn’t leave a job halfway done, that’s what my father always told me, so I think you’re gonna come with us to meet The Lance and help us out here.

…

Henry: I think maybe we should use some stealth and cunning to scout out the situation.  
…  
Darryl: Hey Henry, what do you see in there, buddy?  
…  
Henry: I don’t see anyone in there. I think, rather than make our presence known, we should just go ahead and sneak on in and see what we can see. Perhaps our children are still in one of those cages I saw, or they’re sort of off-shoot rooms, quarters, maybe for purloined persons.

\---

Darryl: Gentlemen, why are we— I mean we may disagree with The Lance's business practices, but you of all people I feel like would have been accepting of other cultures, you know, and I feel like we should go talk like a gentleman here, and talk like a businessman.

Matt: And I start walking towards the front door.

Henry: Listen up, you big alpha jock piece of shit bozo! These are our fucking kids we’re tryna get back, so fucking cool it with your fucking dick swaggering nonsense! I’m not having none of it! We are gonna be cool, and we are gonna be calm, and we are gonna fucking get our kids back and then we can worry about your fuckin’ “Oh my dad’s words, honor” dick bullshit, mister! So fucking cool it!

Matt: Darryl Wilson stares at Henry and just shakes his head and I knock on the door.

…  
Darryl: Hi, I’m Darryl Wilson.

Matt: I take a step forward and I put my hand out.

The Lance: You have five seconds to step back and let my son go.

Darryl: Oh, Three here is not under any distress whatsoever. He actually led us over here, he said that he could help us with a little business arrangement, that being that you have our children.

Matt: And I pull my axe out.  
…  
Darryl: That’s nothin’ compared to what we did to the other two kids.

…  
Henry: Can you repeat the choices? … I gotta be honest, I’m very distracted by the fact that you just killed your son.  
…  
Henry: And number three was that we run away and you call the cops. I’m just spitballing, is there a chance that we could get a look at that ledger and find our kids? Is that still on the table?

The Lance: If you want to look at the ledger, I will permit you a look at the ledger.

Darryl: What would that deal look like, Sir Lance?

The Lance: You would have to offer me something that I found impressive enough to put my business relationships in jeopardy, because one does not generally state the outcome of a deal after it has been made.

Henry: Dads, team huddle. […] Okay, okay, okay, okay. Henry Oak’s having a brain wave. […] Like I said earlier, they don’t know where we’re from. What if we roll this like a, “You don’t know who you just fucked with” we’re foreign emissaries from the kingdom of...we’re from Westrock!

Darryl: Westrock…

Henry: We’re from Westrock, we’re emissaries from Westrock! We came to— […] We were coming to Phandalin on a mission for our kingdom and if he doesn’t return our kids it could be all out war, and the kingdom of Westrock will slay his entire family and burn his business to the ground! Maybe something like that maybe I’m overplaying it a little bit.

Darryl: And our king, Saint Dimas.

Henry: Saint Dimas! King of Westrock! […] And then maybe we can use that as sorta like a way to advance our parlay. And maybe, again just having another brainwave here, maybe we have an artifact from Westrock that is very valuable, that would be like a symbol that he could show when our army comes through and then we would pass him over and he would have— oh! We’re a war party. We’re scouts for a war party from Westrock, and if he has that symbol when our army comes in… someone else should do the persuading because I feel like I’m doing a bad job, but, you know he would be able to show it to them and it’ll be like a favored status when we conquer this land. […] So what is the object? I was gonna suggest— I do have a spare soccer jersey, in my Jansport, that has the Doodler on the back! So we could be like “This is a uniform of our people and when our army comes you could use it for safety.” […] Oh yeah, Sparrow drew the Doodler!

Darryl: No offense there, Henry, but that Doodler looks like shit. Nobody’s gonna be terrified— I mean do you see what just happened? He just frickin’ crossbowed his kid through the face and that thing looks like a five-legged drawing.

Henry: Okay, I feel like you’re being pretty aggro on me right now, I knew I flew off the handle at you there, Darryl, but—

Darry:l I’m just sayin’—

Henry: I don’t know why we need to bring my kid’s drawing ability into the conversation. I miss him terribly right now just trying not to think about him, so.

Matt: A tear goes down my eye and I go: 

Darryl: You’re right, I’m sorry man. It’s been a tough day for both of us.

Matt: And I look over and I go:

Darryl: Do you have a guitar with you, Glenn?

Glenn: I do, I got my Taylor—

Freddie: Or Fender, or Gibson. 

Glenn: —right here, man.

Darryl: I think I like where Henry’s going there, I think your music should be one of the gifts we bring to his new kingdom.

Henry: Wait, are we saying we’re a war party or are we saying that we’re—

Darryl: I think a 4-person—

Henry: No, scouts for a war party! Do you know what I mean? Like we’re scouts!

Darryl: Alright well then—

Henry: I don’t want to railroad our—

Glenn: I tune up my guitar.

Henry: I just don’t feel like this is a music kinda guy, I don’t feel like this guy pumps a lot of tuneskis.

Matt: I go ahead and I turn and I puff my chest out and I stand up as tall as I possibly can.

…

Glenn: Look man, we’re a bunch of traveling emissaries from the land of—

Darryl: What are you doing!? We were about to say we’re a war party!

Will: I hold Darryl, I put my mouth over Darryl’s mouth—  
…  
Matt: No, no! He can’t take it back, he can’t take it back! I feel something!

Will: I silence his dumb ass with a kiss!

Matt: Something tingles deep down inside of me and I feel love for the first time in a long time, when he puts his mouth on mine.

…

Henry: In the land we come from this is the game of kings. Only the wisest and most cunning of people are successful playing— you know, I don’t even think you’re smart enough to play Snake.  
…  
The Lance: So this is a baby game, for babies, is that what—

Matt: I was going to try to persuade, but then I’m like:

Darryl: You know, Snake does suck. It’s not a good game at all.  
…  
Darryl: What’s the pup’s name there, pal?

The Lance: His name? His name was One.  
…  
Matt: I pull out my wallet and I open up to my pictures and I look at the one of Carol really quick and I sigh and I flip it over and I got a picture of me and Grant, getting our puppy Lincoln, and I hold it up to him and I go:

Darryl: This little buddy’s Lincoln. That guy next to him, my son, his name’s Grant.

The Lance: I’ve met him.

Darryl: Want to tell where he is, by any chance?

The Lance: Where’s Lincoln?

Darryl: Grant lost him.

The Lance: Your son lost Lincoln? Your son sounds like an irresponsible sack of shit. To take such a creature of such love and dignity, and then lose it as one would a bauble?

Darryl: I… I... 

Henry: That’s why we’re looking for him! To punish him!

Matt: I invoke Rage.  
…  
Anthony: Okay, all he’s seeing you do is get angry.  
…  
Will: Wait, wait! I stop Darryl with another kiss! […] I can sense he’s blowing it!

Matt: I take that kiss and I go:

Darryl: Thank you, my Number One.

Matt: And I look back:

Darryl: You’re right, Grant is a piece of shit and that’s why I need him back, so I can punish him correctly for losing Lincoln.

The Lance: Fair. Fair. I will tell you where Grant is, only Grant though. So you may punish him.

Darryl: Well that’s fine with me, is that fine with you Number One?

Matt: And I look at Henry.  
…  
Henry: You know what would really punish Grant? Would be if we killed all of Grant’s friends in front of him.

Darryl: I know he doesn’t seem very persuasive—

Matt: And then I slap Henry on the butt, I go—

Darryl: But seriously, in the same way we murdered your two children and drank their blood, we will murder Grant’s friends in front of him before we eat his skin. 

The Lance: Just so you know they weren’t my birth children, that’s why I’m not that upset.

Darryl: Oh I know, I wish they were though, the blood would’ve been extra tasty.

Henry: Okay, okay, Number One.  
…  
Matt: I cross my fingers and I put them behind my back and I go:

Darryl: Darryl Wilson always keeps his word.  
…  
Anthony: Yeah, it’s only one damage, and you bleed onto the paper. The blood is absorbed within it and the blood begins to coagulate and swirl around becoming like ink that begins to form a picture, and it forms a picture of Grant's face and… I’m trying to find the least morbid way of describing this. It shows Grant’s face with very hollow looking eyes and a face of agony, and he says—

The Lance: The pact is made, your son will die when you meet him.  
…  
Henry: Good, that's what we wanted.

Matt: I squeeze Henry's hand because I can't speak, I'm doing everything I can to hold back tears and I'm just happy that he spoke, and I just hold his hand and I squeeze it.  
…  
Matt: I try to nudge his hand.  
…  
Darryl: Woah, sorry, I slipped there. Been drinking a little bit—  
…  
Will: As he’s talking to The Lance, I'm going to do a Sleight-of-Hand and try to rip that page out of that book.

Glenn: [whispered] What the fuck are you doing?

Henry: Hey man, that’s my kids, that’s our kids in there! If any of you have good Sleight-of-Hand and are sneaky dudes—  
…  
Will: I have a +2 to Sleight-of-Hand. [yelling] Natural fucking 20!  
…  
Matt: Can I just say— the moment he’s doing it though, I kiss The Lance.  
…  
Henry: This is how we do greetings in Westrock!

Matt: I kiss and I go— 

Darryl: Thank you.

Matt: —as I’m kissing him.

Anthony: Like a full lip—

Matt: Yes.

Anthony: He doesn’t notice at all, he’s so busy getting deep tongued—[…] The sound of Darryl's slobbering jaw overwhelms the sound of the paper getting ripped out of his ledger and you can see that Lark and Sparrow are in Neverwinter, Nicholas is in Waterdeep, Terry Jr. is in Rockport, and Grant Wilson is in Meadowshade.

Matt: I’m thinking about Henry when I kiss The Lance.

\---

Darryl: Everybody, real quick right before we get to the van, I just wanna say that was a team effort out there and Henry I want to give you the Most Improved award, you did a really great job and if it wasn’t for him we wouldn’t know where our kids are, so let’s give Henry a little round of applause.

Henry: Oh, thanks everybody, sorry I introduced the kissing thing as something we have to maintain now as part of our cover.

Darryl: It’s okay, I think as long as we don’t meet The Lance again…

Glenn: So you saw the list! Where are we going first fellas?

Henry: Well I would imagine the next thing we should do is gather some intel in town about these different places so we know a little more about where we’re going. So we can make what we in the geology business call a “rock-solid” decision.


	2. Episode 2: “I’ll Lick Any Man In This Crowd”

Episode 2: “I’ll Lick Any Man In This Crowd”

Henry: My children. I’m just gonna put that out there, I have two children so they’re both in the same space. Fractionally, we could rescue the most amount of the children first, which seems like the most efficient, to be completely objective about it.  
Ron: But, if you lose one, it matters less.  
Darryl: That’s true. That’s a good idea there, Henry, I just like to think that we won’t go for my kid first, because if we find my kid, I will have to eat his skin.  
Henry: It seems like we could use a bit more to time to maybe suss out what’s going on there and maybe a way out of the dumb curse that he got us into.  
…  
Henry: Okay, well I believe my two beautiful boys, Lark and Sparrow, are in a place called—let me get the list out here again… Neverwinter. Sounds like we should pack our shorts, boys.  
…  
Anthony: Okay, so basically what happens is that as the pure psychic force of the dad joke enters your brain, your brain, in a fit of self preservation, just shuts itself off and you fall unconscious to the ground for a moment.  
Freddie: Okay.  
Henry: Oh! I don't know if that was the joke or all the drugs he's been taking since we've been here, but I think Glenn’s down for the count.  
Darryl: Back away, back away, I know what to do.  
Matt: Darryl Wilson pulls out a first aid kit.  
Darryl: Henry, why don't you prop his head up, buddy? … You know what, boys, you know what we should do? We should just sleep for as long as it takes to get all of our HP back.  
…  
Henry: Yeah, I think maybe we should sleep one off. It sounds like old Glenn here’s had one too many, maybe we can just carry him over to a local inn and we can all tuck in for the night. I'm pretty bushed from all that fighting and kissing I did.  
…  
Henry: Hey, what do you think is going on with that screaming over there?  
Darryl: Hey, Henry, you want to figure that out now or do you want to bring Glenn and revive our nearly dead friend.  
Henry: I'll catch up with you guys, I'm going to check out this screaming, that sounds like something we should be abreast of. I'll double back and find you though.   
…  
Darryl: Ron, do you want to go over with our boy, Henry?   
Henry: Ron, I bet some really weird and fucked up is going on in this crowd, wanna check it out with me?   
Ron: Actually I'd like to stay with Glenn, just watching him sleep and thinking that must be nice.  
Matt: I drop the body and I get away from Ron as quickly as possible and I just start heading over with Henry. I just leave Freddie's body.  
…  
Will: I head over to the crowd.  
Matt: I follow.  
…  
Matt: Darryl Wilson’s excited, he thinks they're playing a sport. So I just jump into the center and go—  
Darryl: What’re you boys playing? I want to play, I'm Darryl Wilson. What game is this?   
…  
Random NPC: [with a British accent] Fucking neutral-evil creature came into our town, we don't do kindly to people on the neutral-evil alignment scale.  
…  
…  
Darryl: Henry, this sounds like one of your type of people, why don’t you come over and talk to them.   
Henry: So you're you're just beating someone? But who are you beating? We don't see anyone.  
Random NPC: Oh, you guys must be from Waterdeep   
Darryl: Yes.  
Henry: Yes.   
Random NPC: Yeah, you don't get at all fairy dragons up in Waterdeep, I assume.  
Henry: Fairy dragons!?  
Darryl: Yeah, absolutely not, those are totally normal. We've seen fairy dragons all the time, but not at Waterdeep, where we're from.   
Random NPC: So your confusion is then explained by, what. You seem to be very confused about, the cloaked—  
Henry: I apologize for my friend, he's low on...glucose. We would love to know more about these fairy dragons.   
…  
Darryl: That ain't no football!   
…  
Henry: Darryl, I think we should I think we should intervene here, you know this is seems like a kind of mob justice type of thing. And I know we're trying to get our sons back, but who are we to our sons if we don't lead by good example and when they're not around?  
Darryl: Way ahead of you buddy.  
Matt: I stand in front of the pimple nose guy or whatever and the dragon.   
…  
Darryl: Hey, stop.  
…  
Random NPC: No.

Anthony: And goes back to kicking him.  
…  
Henry: I’ll lick any man in this crowd, I'll beat him to the ground!  
Random NPC: Are you are you gonna lick us or—  
Henry: I mean that in an old timey sense of licking, as in fighting, but if I beat you, I'm going to lick your face!  
…  
Darryl: And you better watch out because his licks are poisonous! He doesn't have any relatives anymore because he kept licking their faces now they're all dead, now you’ll be. …[obviously lying] Yep, total poison!  
Random NPC: Just off the top of me dome, speaking to you two, it feels like you're really good at lying and you're really good at fucking up his lies.   
…  
Henry: Gosh darn it. that's it!  
Will: And then a feeling comes over me—…—and I hear words in my head. and my eyes roll back. and my hands slam into the ground. This might be—this is kicking off the episode with a bang, guys, I'm sorry but I can't think of anything else to do to stop these people. … I cast Thunderwave. … A wave of thunderous force sweeps out from you, each creature in a 15 foot cube—that's the crowd cause I'm in the middle of the crowd.  
…  
Anthony: With a horribly wet slap, ten condoms— the first thing that hits the crowd is ten condoms, the second thing that hits is pure biological lightning that hits all of them—…the crowd just scatters and sort of tumbles backward and hits the ground and the guy with the wart looks up at you and goes—  
Random NPC: [whispering] Woah, what are you?  
Henry: [also whispering] I don’t know!  
Darryl: Yeah, who’s lying now, mister!? I'm Darryl Wilson, this is Henry Oak. Like I said, his licks are twice as poisonous as his lightning is. Sparky.  
Random NPC: That’s distinctly not what you said.  
…  
???: Thank you so much, wow.  
Matt: I step in front of Henry, say—  
Darryl: You're welcome.  
Matt: And I pick up— how big is this dragon? … I help them up, because I'm assuming he's kind of beat down on the ground.  
???: Thanks so much, thanks. I guess I'll be on my way then, thanks for saving me. I don't know what you did that for, but that was nice of you.  
Darryl: Well, wait one second there, you said you're from a little town called Waterdeep.  
???: No, they said you were from Waterdeep.  
Darryl: Oh, yes, that's what I meant. I'm from Waterdeep, where are you from? … I'm Darryl Wilson by the way.  
Matt: And I put my hand out.  
Darryl: Just put your hand out too, little buddy. …So, uh, Henry you have any questions for Gartok?  
…  
Gartok: Here's what I'll say, one of you seems to be a very powerful warrior. Do you think you could help me find my children?  
Matt: I stand tall when he says that.  
Anthony: He's trying to look around you and make eye contact with Henry.  
Henry: You know, Gartok, I think maybe we can. We're actually looking for our children as well.  
Gartok: Oh, wow!  
Henry: Were your kids taken by The Lance?  
Gartok: Oh no, no, my kids just ran.  
Henry: Oh, um, well sure we could— you know as fathers ourselves we're forsworn to protect all children of all...alignments I guess.  
Gartok: Oh man, is that how fatherhood works? I've been doing this wrong.  
Henry: You know fathers, I think, have an obligation to all the children of whatever plane of existence they may be in. But perhaps if it aligns with our quest we can help you on yours as well.  
…  
Henry: Well, we're gonna— why don't we go introduce our friend Gartok here to the rest of the boys back at the inn?  
Darryl: Yeah, well they're not— I mean, they're just standing in the street. What did Ron think— [yelling] Hey, hey, Ron!  
…  
Darryl: Hey, Gartok, you know a good place to sleep around here? Our buddy Glenn there, he's mighty hurt. Is there a place we can recover? That we can all talk, maybe find a way to get all of our kids back?  
Gartok: Oh, yeah, yeah. There's the Wispy Woods Inn to the north, over there. We could probably— I mean you could go in, I can't.  
Darryl: Why not?  
Gartok: The town does not like me, I don't think they'll let me stay—  
Darryl: Why were you invisible?  
Gartok: Because that's a defense mechanism.  
Darryl: So buddy, just turn invisible, we’ll bring you right in!  
Gartok: That's a really good idea! Okay, yeah, I’ll do that!  
Darryl: Alright, cool!  
Matt: So I pick him up, I don’t know how big he is, even if he doesn't want me to, I pick him up. He feels like a dog to me so I just pick him up. And I'm like—  
Darryl: Hey guys, let's go to this inn. We got an invisible dragon, how rad is this?

Henry: Okay, you walk in holding an invisible dog and we'll be right behind you, let's go.  
…  
Darryl: Hey, Ron, I'm holding this dragon. … You wanna go and see if you can get us a room?  
Henry: This seems like a job for Ron, I gotta say, I'm no good when it comes to charming.  
…  
Matt: Darryl Wilson is totally getting what Ron's trying to throw down, and I take my last of the six pack of my pale ale and I slowly slip it to Ron from behind, giving her a drink that she— that he can pass on. … I'm trying to hand you my pale ale.  
…  
Beth: I wink at Darryl—  
Matt: I’m very excited to see if they like it.   
…  
Ron: … I got this bad boy open— actually, Darryl could you open this? I would ask her—  
Darryl: Yeah, yeah, of course.   
Matt: I slowly pass the imaginary dragon to Henry. I try to stretch like it’s really nothing going on.  
Will: I forget that the dragon is there and I'm like—  
Glenn: What are you doing?  
Henry: Oh, the dragon!  
Bartender: Dragon!? What, where?  
Darryl: Nothing!  
…  
Darryl: Yeah, here, let me just twist this off for you. This is actually the best beer in Waterdeep.   
…  
Darryl: Oh, we got a whole bunch of barrels.  
Henry: [whispering] Dad huddle, dad huddle, dad huddle.  
Darryl: One sec, we gotta do a little brew huddle here and talk. We'll be right back.  
Bartender: Okay.  
Henry: Brew Bros, here's what I'm thinking. We've got a whole mess of beer coming in tomorrow, we'll give her a good rate on it, in exchange she lets us stay the night  
Ron: From where? Where are we getting the beer?  
Henry: Waterdeep, where we're definitely from.   
Darryl: That’s a good idea.  
Ron: Oh, yeah, okay, alright, I can do this.  
Darryl: Close the deal there, Ron.  
Henry: Okay, hands in the middle everybody.  
Darryl: Well no, you're holding the dragon so you can’t put your hand in.  
Henry: Shit, that’s right.  
Darryl: Ron, why don’t we just shake hands?   
Glenn: Go for it, go on Ron, close it, close the deal, Ron.  
Ron: Wow, wow! I feel like something's changed within me too.  
Darryl: Good, do it.  
…  
Darryl: One second, we’ll get right with you, we’ve got another shipment to another—  
…  
Henry: All right, dad huddle. Gartok, how much is a barrel of beer around here? … Okay, someone else, what is eight times 15?  
…  
Darryl: Look, I think since it is pretty damn good beer I think we should say probably like 10 a barrel. I think it's fair for my beer.  
Henry: Okay, that's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, this beer that doesn't exist that we're ripping this lady off. Yeah, let's say—  
…  
Darryl: Yeah, but she's not gonna buy it, she tasted that beer, she knew that beer was amazing. If we give it a low price she’s gonna be like “well that’s not true” she might think this is twice as much as a normal—  
…  
Gartok: She might also think you guys are really bad negotiators. Because you've had two huddles in a while, you can make her feel like she's getting one over on you or something.  
Darryl: You’re right, this is taking a while.  
Henry: Ron, it's your call.  
Darryl: Yeah, eight a barrel. Just say eight a barrel.  
…  
Ron: How ‘bout—  
Darryl: [whispering] The room!  
Ron: How ‘bout— How ‘bout— Yes! Three and the room?  
…¬¬  
Darryl: It’s a little strange story. Ron here is a new, a new member of—… Yeah, a new member so this was actually his first, uh, sales pitch.  
\---  
Henry: Someone might’ve seen that Darryl and I were married so we should probably share the same bed.   
…  
Darryl: Alright, well this is a hell of a day so far everybody.  
Henry: Yeah, I guess we should hit the hay, go to Neverwinter in the morning.  
Darryl: Well, I like where your head’s at Henry…  
…  
Henry: Maybe we can sneak out the ol’ window, I’ve got some rope, maybe we just peace out of here. Once we have a little rest we can just move on down the road.  
…  
Darryl: Sounds like a plan. And Gartok, before we go to bed, you may have noticed that we’re not exactly from around here—  
Gartok: Yeah, Waterdeep, you said Waterdeep.  
Darryl: Oh, yeah. So none of this is suspicious to you at all?  
Gartok: I mean I’ve never been to Waterdeep, I’ve heard people are weird there.  
Darryl: We are and this is weird.  
Glenn: The rumors are true.  
\---  
Darryl: Carol! [sighs] That was a weird dream.  
Henry: [yawning] You had a weird dream too?  
Darryl: Yeah.  
Henry: I had a dream about this weird purple robed guy who was pointing at the sky, and then pointing at me, and I think you guys were there...also I didn’t have any clothes on and all my teeth fell out. … We were in kinda this place, but it was also my childhood elementary school, but then they pointed at the sky and said something weird and then I woke up. So you guys all had that dream? I mean, we all have that dream at some point in our life, but you guys all had that dream last night?  
…  
Darryl: Do dragons dream, Gartok?  
…  
Henry: That’s probably a metaphor for you career. What do you do? Usually dreams like that are about where you wanna go in life.  
Gartok: Oh. I’m a private business owner, I own a labor company— construction company.  
Henry: Oh, labor! Uh, do you pay your laborers?  
Gartok: Oh god no.  
Henry: That seems like it is kind of a thing in this world, the slavery.  
…  
Darryl: So we should probably—  
Henry: We should probably sneak out of here, I can see daybreak.  
…  
Darryl: Guys, there’s outside out there!  
…  
Henry: Okay, so we need to slip past this guard. …His name’s not Bartock, it’s Cartock. … Like Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers. Do you know of the Brothers Tappet in this dimension? … Nevermind.  
Darryl: They’re liberals.  
…  
Henry: I thought you were gonna say some Guard—tock.  
…  
Glenn: That was a pretty good one.  
Henry: [gasps] … Sorry to interrupt. I interrupted you with a stupid joke, I’ve been trying to do that less lately.  
…  
Matt: Darryl is upset and he opens the window. He goes—  
Darryl: Good morning there buddy!  
Matt: And I snap my fingers at Ron to get the silver.  
Ron: Let me check the bathtub.  
Darryl: Hey buddy! Good morning!  
Ron: Oh, I’ve got it, I’ve got it, I’ve got it—here’s silver!  
Darryl: Oh, thanks. Sir! Good morning!  
Guard: Hey.  
Darryl: Hey, uh—  
Guard: Is this a bribe?  
Darryl: Oh no! Just wondering if there’s a good place to some—  
Guard: Cause I’m down for being bribed.  
Darryl: Oh, cool, okay! Well that makes this easy, do you mind if we leave through the window here?  
Guard: Yeah, how much you got?  
Darryl: Two silver—  
Ron: One silver! One silver.  
…  
Guard: So you probably got a little bit more than two?  
Darryl: Yeah we got— honest to god, sir, we got three.  
Guard: I’ll take three.  
Darryl: Everybody?  
Henry: Sure, that’s fine with me.  
…  
Darryl: We’ll give it to you when we get down there.  
Guard: Are you telling the truth?  
Matt: I toss one down to him—  
Darryl: There’s one buddy, we’re all gonna get down and once we get down we’ll give you the other two. Just wanna make sure everything’s up to—  
Guard: Are you telling the truth?  
Darryl: Oh absolutely, I’m telling the truth.  
Guard: Alright, that seems fine.  
Darryl: Let’s go, guys.  
Matt: I climb down and then I look at him and say—  
Darryl: You promise you’re not going to say anything?  
Guard: No.  
Darryl: No what?  
Guard: I might.  
Henry: I think maybe we were kinda on wrong terms about what the terms of this bribe work, because the bribe was to not say anything. What’d you think the bribe was for?  
Guard: That I wouldn’t attack you.  
Everyone: Oohh.  
Ron: Yikes, I am so embarrassed.  
Darryl: Well here’s the thing, there are four of us and we do have a dragon—  
…  
Anthony: So they sort of look at you, they see you knock the guy out—  
Darryl: Whoo! Guy drank too much, am I right?  
Henry: Yeah!  
Darryl: Yeah.  
Anthony: They just kinda shrug and go about their day.  
Henry: I think it’s time to go.  
Darryl: Yeah  
…  
Matt: We loot the shit out of him.  
…  
Darryl: Gartok, buddy, if you were impressed with my beer wait ‘til you get—you were, right?  
…  
Gartok: I didn’t drink it.  
Darryl: But you saw the nice label...anyways get ready to get a load of what we got over here at Waterdeep.  
Matt: And I brush aside some trees and reveal the minivan.  
Gartok: Whoa! What is that?!  
Freddie: The Beast.  
Darryl: It’s mine, buddy. And you know what, we’re gonna let you sit in the front!  
…  
Henry: It’s a big metal horse that you climb inside of.  
…  
Darryl: And it’s mine and I drive it.  
Henry: And there’s chairs inside of its stomach.  
Gartok: Oh, that sounds convenient.  
Matt: I put Gartok in the front seat.  
Darryl: This is where the coolest person sits, usually where my son sits but you can sit here for now.  
Anthony: When you get into the van, Gartok says—   
Gartok: We’re doing my thing first, right? The kids, my thing?  
Henry: It’s on the way…  
Glenn: It’s on the way...sure, yeah.  
Gartok: I mean, it feels reasonable. I helped you guys out a little bit—  
Darryl: It would be weird for us to go, then have to come all the way back, so yeah.  
Gartok: They’re on the road to Neverwinter. I’m not sure exactly but my guess is they’re probably gonna be at a spooky cave or a weird forest—are any of you good at tracking, are you good at picking up on stuff like that?  
Henry: Yes, I think I’m good at that stuff. You know, I’m a geologist by trade, and I know my way around many a rock and brook and creek. … Yeah, uh, yeah I can do that stuff.  
Gartok: Perfect, perfect.  
Henry: Gartok, what happened to your kids again? They got kidnapped?  
Gartok: No, they ran.  
Henry: They ran, that’s right.  
Ron: And why?  
Gartok: I don’t know.  
Henry: Do you...mmm… Wow, he really doesn’t know. You know, maybe that’s why your kids ran off, because you weren’t involved in their lives enough.  
Gartok: [mumbling] Kinda fucking judgy, but okay.  
…  
Darryl: Come on Henry, let go of Gartok—  
…  
Henry: Whoa, I’m getting a weird energy off of Gartok.  
Darryl: Henry, Gartok’s helped us out man. He’s a great guy.  
Henry: That’s true, that’s true.  
Darryl: Yeah.  
Henry: It’s been a long night and a long couple of days. You know what, I’m just gonna put blind faith in this strange, invisible dragon who everyone said was evil, that we just met.  
Ron: I’m gonna be real suspicious, but just be quiet about it.  
Darryl: Alright Gartok, where should we head?  
Gartok: Let’s head north!  
Matt: Alright, as everyone’s in the minivan, really quick I look at Gartok before I start the engine, and I go—

Darryl: Hey buddy, you a little hungry? You want a little treat?  
Gartok: Sure, I could—yeah, yeah.  
Matt: I look around and I double check to make sure that nobody else is—   
Darryl: Hey! Buckle your seat belts!  
…  
Matt: As they’re buckling their seat belts I go to my secret stash…. And I grab one of my secret stash, and I unwrap a piece of my secret stash, and I hand it over to Gartok. I say—  
Darryl: Take a chew of that. …Yeah, it’s pretty good, right?  
Matt: And I start the engine.  
Gartok: It’s kinda—it’s like a challenge, this [gnawing noises].  
…  
Henry: Oh, can I have some of that Charleston Chew?  
…  
Darryl: [startled] What? What are you talking about? What?  
Henry: You guys are eating that Charleston Chew up there, the one you were eating earlier?  
Matt: I turn on the radio as loud as possible and start the car.  
…  
[the sound of static fades in and overlays the other sounds]  
Darryl: No, not at all, ha ha, anyways—  
[static fades out]  
…  
Matt: I glare at Henry the whole time.  
Will: I go—  
Henry: What?  
…  
Henry: Look yonder, gentlemen! What manner of strange rocks are these?  
…  
Henry: Gartok, this is a judgement—free, safe space.  
…  
Henry: [gasps] Uh oh! Uh oh, I think we just killed one of his kids. …Did we kill one of your kids? …Oh, dang! .. Sorry, buddy.  
Matt: I hold Gartok and I hug him. I put on my sunglasses to hide the tears coming out of my eyes as well.  
Darryl: Sorry there, Gartok.  
…  
Henry: Maybe if you put it on it’ll bring his kid back to life!  
Glenn: That seems like a pretty weird—ass fucking thing to say, Henry.  
Henry: I dunno! It seems pretty weird that a bracelet will kill his kid!  
…  
Darryl: [yelling] What the hell, Gartok!? What the hell!? … You okay, Ron? … Gartok, that’s not cool.  
Gartok: [yelling] I’m aware, but he just killed my kid! Ow!  
Darryl: That was an accident though, we didn’t know!... Gartok, we’re a team and you joined this team, and sometimes your teammates make mistakes, but you don’t fight your own team!  
Gartok: [hoarse and angry] How would you feel if I went into your weird horse made of metal and took out one of the snakes and made the snake bite your son? How would that feel?  
Darryl: I’d be pretty p-ed off and I know that you’re p-ed off, but right now we gotta work together. You know what? I’m pissed at you. We’re gonna save your kids, but just because your kids are probably - hopefully - innocent.  
Henry: What?  
Gartok: I don’t know why I’m the dick in this scenario.  
Henry: Okay gentleman, gentleman, gentleman, I think—… I think we all need to cool off—…Okay, here’s what I’m suggesting: we let Gartok cool off a little bit and process the death of his son— or daughter, I don’t know what the gender was …Yeah, Gartok, I think we are all a bit in shock by what we did by accident, so please don’t take any of our insensitivity to heart, because we’re all, in our own way, traumatized by what just happened. Obviously not as much as the trauma you’re feeling, I’m sure—…Alright, we’re gonna let ya cool off! Let’s go!  
Darryl: Let’s go!  
…  
Matt: Okay, real quick, this is really important to me. I stay behind for a second and I grab my box of Charleston Chews, I look at Gartok and I say—  
Darryl: Sorry, buddy.  
Matt: —and I give him a few. And then I say—  
Darryl: Hey, Henry, do you mind—  
Anthony: Well, when you give Gartok the Charleston Chews, he takes them and he just crushes them in his hands and the caramel spreads between them and he goes—  
Gartok: These don’t taste good!  
Matt: I put my glasses back on.  
~~~~~~~~~  
Darryl: Hey, Henry, can I talk to you really quick?  
Henry: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.  
Darryl: Just mano e mano in the back of the van?  
Henry: What’s up?  
Darryl: So I noticed that you saw my little dirty secret...the box of Charleston Chews.  
Henry: Oh, I thought you meant the fact that we killed someone’s son.  
Darryl: Yeah, that’s pretty tough too—  
Henry: But you’re more worried about the fact that I saw your candy bars than the murder we just did?  
Darryl: Look, man, I told Carol I was gonna lose weight and I’m not supposed to be having these—… But here’s the thing, these were my dad’s favorite candy and—  
Henry: That’s complex.  
…  
Darryl: I want you to take them because I don’t want to disappoint Carol, but I don’t want you to throw them away. Will you just give me one whenever, I don’t know, whenever I do something you think my dad would be proud of, maybe you could give me one of these Charleston Chews.  
…  
Henry: You know what? I think your dad would be very proud of you right now, so here’s a Charleston Chew.  
…  
Gartok: [screaming in the distance] You killed my son!  
Henry: Shit! Yeah we did, we gotta go. I’m still in shock about the son death, we need to keep moving on.  
Matt: As he leaves I definitely stay behind and I eat that Charleston Chew, tears in my eyes.  
…   
Henry: Let’s take that little door.  
Darryl: Are you sure you wanna open any parts of this, shouldn’t we maybe check—  
…  
Henry: So my guess is either this raised plate, if we step on it, it will open the door or it'll kill us.  
Darryl: One second everybody.  
Matt: I go ahead and I pull out my emergency kit, which I brought in the minivan, and I pull one those shake flashlights out and I start shaking it up, I say—  
Darryl: Let's take a look at what's around here!  
…  
Henry: Wow, good job, guys, we disarmed the trap.  
Glenn: We disarmed it with football!  
Darryl: Go Doodlers!  
Matt: I put my hands in—  
Darryl: Doodlers!  
Henry and Glenn: Doodlers!  
…  
Henry: I'll be honest, me, Henry Oak, I cannot… I’m bad at lying, especially when I have a guilty conscience, so I think we should just give it to them straight between the eyes… we killed their brother. 

Darryl: I think we shouldn’t let them know until we're in a safe place.   
…  
Henry: Okay. I'm just going to— I think I'm going to have to go ahead and make some sort of saving throw for, like, every minute we're in here— to not break down and confess that I killed their brother.  
…  
Darryl: Henry. Henry you want to save these kids right? That's the least we could do.  
Henry: [straining to keep mouth shut] Mmmhmm.  
Darryl: Okay. Now, I know you can't lie, son. I know that. But the thing you wanna do is save these two dragons, right?   
Henry: Yes, that’s true.   
Darryl: You don't want to upset them.   
Henry: That's also true.  
Darryl: So we got— I know it's tough but you gotta do— you gotta do the right thing. You gotta not lie, I mean you gotta lie and you gotta just not… You gotta do this to help save their lives. And then you'll let them know. And I know you're gonna be there for them, you're gonna help them through this. We'll take as much time as we need to help these dragons grieve.  
Henry: Oh god, but we killed their brother though…   
Darryl: I know, I know. Here's the thing. If you do the wrong thing you're gonna be responsible for their deaths, too.   
…  
Henry: Why, what, are we gonna kill them?   
Darryl: No! But when we get out of this dangerous place who knows what's gonna happen.   
Henry: Okay. I'm just not gonna say anything and they should… They better not… If they ask me any question I can't be held responsible for what comes out of my mouth. So I'm just going to try to be quiet.   
Matt: I go over to Glenn, I go—   
Darryl: Don’t worry, I took care of Henry. He'll be alright.   
…  
Darryl: Let's just say we're travelers and we heard some children crying. Yeah we heard people in need and we came to check it out.   
…  
Henry: Hey kids?   
Darryl: Hello? …Hey does anybody need help over there? We heard some crying and we're just wondering if everything's okay. …It’s a pretty scary place; there's traps and stuff. We hope you're okay. …Hey, we, we, uh, heard you say get the crossbow and— and— and I'm really trying to— we're being honest here. We're just four friendly travelers that heard some kids crying. We wanna make sure you—   
???: You’re four friendly travelers who got past our alarm?  
Darryl: Yeah, I mean, we're pretty smart. We're smart travelers.   
…  
Henry: [muffled pained whining]  
…  
Darryl: Who's— who's Gartok? …Hey, Who— Who's, uh, Gartok? We don't know any Gartok.   
…  
Henry: Gartok took off the bracelet himself. He killed them.  
…  
Darryl: Hey hey hey, kids. Kids. Look, you caught us in a lie, I admit. But we're in over our heads. We're just four dads who've lost our kids and Gartok helped us out. He helped us out, because he said he would tell us how to get to Neverwinter. …And we were asking about the kids but he couldn't even tell us.   
…  
Darryl: Look, you have all the power here, Alright? And if you don't want our help, we'll go ahead and we'll walk away. But if you need help, we're here for you.  
…  
Henry: Guys, dad huddle. Dad huddle, dad huddle. …Alright, Gartok seems like bad news. I'm just gonna— Not to judge another dad but I... It seems like these kids got one up on— Did we find out why they're mad at him?  
…  
Henry: I think we should kill their dad. I'm going to put that out there. I’ve— I've crossed the line. I think I'm ready to kill this guy. Okay. What's— okay. Tell us about your dad. Does he have any big glowing weak spots? That if he exposes them—  
…  
Darryl: First, for your species. Dragons. Is what your dad doing pretty normal? Like is it pretty cool? Like is this— like is that— I just wanna make sure we're not stepping on some cul— know you— I just want to know if like— ..Is he a pretty normal dad, dragon—wise?  
…  
Darryl: I was wondering, like, you know— if you had kids of your own, how would you treat them? What would you want to do?   
…  
Darryl: But you'd probably, like, still want to own slaves and...  
Reese: [teary voice] I mean, what else are we supposed to do?   
Darryl: Okay. All right Dad. Dad huddle. Dad huddle.   
Henry: So what you're getting at is: he was just trying to make them do their chores, and then they— they rebelled against him. Is kind of what you're suggesting here?   
Darryl: Look, I have no problem killing the dragon. I'm not— I'm not pro—slavery, so we could kill his dragon. I'm more looking at, Henry, here, I'm just wondering— I mean, if we kill Gartok, it feels like the kids are going to do the same thing. So like, maybe we just kill—… I guess my real question... I guess my real question is, it feels like we should either save all three of them or—  
Henry: It's too late for that.  
Darryl: — Or kill all three of them. Because they seem pretty equal, in terms of what they might end up doing.   
Henry: What if. Because I— you know— this— you know, one of my favorite shows is Star Trek. I don't know if you guys like Star Trek, but they always talk about the Prime Directive on Star Trek and not interfering with civilizations that are like pre—warp. Like, you know, if warp is the minivan for us maybe we should—What if we do this: what have we— [to the children] Hey, do you kids think you could take your dad in a fight? …Okay. Well, what— what would we need to make it a fair fight between you …. No, but here's what I'm saying, is like, look, you know, we don't know, but we could pit them against each other on, like, a level playing field and let them sort it out—  
…  
Darryl: Here's what I'm— I'm thinking. Is there a way we can use those bracelets?... Maybe if we can change the runes to say 'be a good dad.'  
Henry: Oh, and 'forget about your brother.'  
Darryl: If we can change the runes, maybe we can make them say 'Be a good family' for each of them, and put them together. And maybe we can make them not enslave people anymore, and become a happy family. … Just like me and Carol and my son were, once.  
Henry: And Darnell.  
Darryl: And Darn... [exhales evenly]  
Henry: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you had another son, Darnell. I picked up the name Darnell somewhere, I can't remember where.  
Matt: I put my hand out to Henry, requesting a Charleston Chew.  
…  
Henry: No, I don't think your dad's proud of you right now.  
…  
Darryl: Could you, like, change those bracelets to do something else?  
…  
Darryl: Hey kids we're going to be— we're going to be right back. We're gonna go talk to, uh, we're going to go kill your dad, okay? Like you want. …Cool. So guys, here's an idea. You know, kind of like, when— in those movies were, like, you know— a kid is, like, trying to get, like, his old dad to, like, sign a contract and he, like, switches it? …. Maybe we could kind of, like, convinced Gartok to teach us dragon language for a second, and rewrite the braces.   
…  
Henry: Let's check. Let's do it.  
Darryl: Okay.  
Henry: Let's get over there.  
Darryl: Let's go back to Gartok.  
…  
Henry: Hey Gartok, we're less sad that we made you sad by killing your kid, but we're sad that we killed their brother.   
Gartok: [teary] what does that mean?  
Henry: We're just not sad for you, but we're still sad about the action. Because we've heard some shit from your kids.  
…  
Darryl: Dad huddle.I don't know, the moral implications of this whole thing is blowing my brain right now…. So if we gave— if we gave the kids, like, bracelets that said 'be good kid,' are we just putting them in slavery again?  
…  
Henry: That's why I'm saying we should just cut one of his legs off and then let him fight the— fight against them….They're dragons! They're pretty hard core! I think we should even up the fight and then be like, 'look we don't know what's going on,' or we could just walk away right now. … Maybe— maybe the dad lesson that this journey is teaching us is that you should butt out of other people's parenting styles. Because you don't know who you're gonna hurt, and you don't want to mess up and get involved a family thing and cause more trouble than good. If they want— I'm not doing their dirty work. If they want to kill their dad, they can kill their dad. He can't hurt them, right?  
Darryl: That's fair.   
…  
Henry: Oh, I know what we're going to do. I know what we're going to do because we're going to— here's— Okay. Alright. I've learned the lesson. I've solved the riddle. … He's a shitty dad. … The whole species is a little questionable. But here's what we do. We tie him up, right? We bring the kids out. We give one of them the knife and we say, 'you can kill him but then you'll be just as bad as he is.' And then we give them the— it's like, just like I say with my boys Sparrow and Lark. You know? I try to give them choices, right? You don't let them think. Right. So to me then what that is is like they're like okay. They know the dad's never getting out. But then for them they get the chance to separate but not you don't get down to his level you know and that could bring them closure. They can walk away and then he still can't hurt them. 

Darryl: Maybe I'm just— maybe I'm just a sap, but let's try to give our pal Gartok, who helped us out, the best chance possible.   
…  
Henry: Uh, he hasn't done anything for us. We saved him from a mob of street justice. And then we brought him to his kids.  
Freddie: But Will, don't forget that Darryl Wilson disproportionately likes people who like his beer, clearly.  
…  
Darryl: I just want to say this, Henry: when we picked up your kids, they were punching a tree and punching you. And Glenn, your kid was... I won’t even want to say what he was doing, but you know. You know—…—you know what he was doing. And Ron, you couldn't even talk to him. None of us are perfect dads, and I'm not— I'm not saying we were as bad as a slave owner or anything. I'm just saying that he's a dad like us and he's just trying to make do. So this is what I'm suggesting—  
Henry: Darryl—  
Darryl: I suggest that we do what you say. But let's use the other two bracelets and do a little dad brainstorm, and come up with two things that we think are the most important value for a dad. And we put those bracelets on him and we give him the best shot possible to convince his kids not to kill him. We still let them make the ultimate choice, but maybe we come up with two values that we think is important as dads—…—And put those bracelets on him. And then we see what happens.  
Henry: Okay. Okay. Okay.   
Darryl: So we keep the one that says he can't hurt anybody.  
Henry: Mhm.  
Darryl: And then—  
Henry: But the other one says, like— like: 'be a good dad.'  
Darryl: But that's too vague, like— like: 'Respect your kids' dreams' or something. That's why we gotta do a— we gotta do a brainstorm, come with two values that we think are good.  
Henry: Okay. Okay. Alright. What do you guys— Well, I don't know— You know for me, you know, honesty is important with my kids. But also respect your kids.   
…  
Darryl: Good, good, good. Keep brainstorming! 'Honesty.'  
Henry: So, respect your kids. Don't hurt them. Take good care of them. Love your children  
Darryl: Love your children.   
Henry: But not physically. …But show them physical affection, but not— whatever is inappropriate physical affection for dragons.   
…   
Henry: I feel like, "love." I think there's something about love, right? Like, you know—…—Unconditional love, for your kids.  
…  
Darryl: Oh treat— Let's go back to the Good Book. Treat your kids like you would want to be treated. … I can't judge them. And again the kids might kill them anyways. I'm just trying to— I feel— the Golden Rule’s a good rule, right everybody? Golden Rule’s a good rule:  
…  
Henry: Treat others as you would like them to treat you.  
Darryl: So we got treat your kids like you’d wanna be treated and let your kids make their own decisions, within a certain boundary, until they're dragon adult age.   
…  
Darryl: Can you do me a favor? Could you, uh— Could you write down these two sentences, uh, in Dragon on these bracelets?  
…  
Matt: And I pull up the ax and I say:

Darryl: And the other option is we kill you.  
…  
Gartok: Cool, so you're gonna get that— You’re gonna give these to them.  
Darryl: No. We're putting them on you bitch.  
…  
Darryl: All right, buddy, this is gonna be— [exhales] look, uh, you know, when you make a mistake it’s always tough as a dad to admit to your kids you’ve made a mistake but we're gonna— we're gonna have you meet your kids and, um, well, we'll see what happens.  
…  
Darryl: Hey, uh— Hey kids your— your dad's here and, uh, he's not going to hurt you. He wants to talk to you. Whatever— whatever you wanna do it's— it's— it's up to you it’s not, you know, we're not your family— it's a family matter.  
…  
Henry: We— Sylvan, you have a lot of reason to be upset with your father. But you should know, we turned those braces around and now, not only can he not hurt you, but the bracelets say that he has to treat you the way he would want to be treated. And also, he has to let you make your own decisions, uh, until—…—with guidance and, you know, until you’re dragon adults. …So. Knowing all that, we just— we wanted to maybe, you know we feel like we really goofed this one up. We feel like we kind of came in here with our values and we kind of maybe didn't really understand what was going on dragon style. But we wanted to give, like, a fresh slate, maybe a chance for this relationship to grow again and new. Now I'm going to step out of your way and if you want to kill him there's nothing that can stop you because he can't hurt you anymore. But I'm hoping you'll be the bigger pers— the bigger dragon and you won't succumb to your old dad's level and you'll maybe hear the new your dad out.  
…  
Henry: And also we killed your brother. …No, no, no, wait! If you attack me you're just as bad as him.   
…  
Henry: [hurriedly] We’re going to get out of the way and let your dad take it away okay. Take it away, Dad. … Dad, help!  
Matt: Darryl steps in between Henry and the dragon.  
…  
Darryl: Look this was all an accident. If you wanna fight us you'll fight us but first let's just let Gartok and—  
Henry: It was Ron. Ron did it. … That one! That one! That one!  
Darryl: No, I'm Ron! …And I did it and I didn't know I did it and it was an accident and we've done everything we can to help him. Maybe, if we can heal this family it won't be worth— you'll never get your brother back but it's— it's something so if you gotta kill me you can kill me but why don’t you talk to Gartok first?  
…  
Darryl: Alright guys, let's get in and, I guess, head to Neverwinter.   
…  
Henry: I felt like that went pretty well. I think we should head to Neverwinter and maybe— maybe— wait. What did you guys all learn today? I think I learned to, uh, maybe look before I leap a little bit more.  
…  
Darryl: I wish I had— I think you three would have been good dads to talk to and— when I was first raising my boy.  
Ron: Um, I think I learned that sometimes it's okay to let another dad save you. Thank you, Darryl.  
Darryl: You’re— [sniffs]  
Matt: I start— I turn on the radio and I start—  
[static plays]  
Freddie: [laughing] The sound of static drowns out your tears as we drive off.   
…  
Henry: Guys—…— are you seeing what I'm seeing? I told you those Montessori art lessons were gonna pay off.


	3. Episode 3 – “Okay, Everyone, Stuff On Them Doodlers”

**Henry:** I'm so proud of those two beautiful boys. I'm so excited for them that their work is finally getting so much recognition.

…

**Matt:** The only thing I know is that Darryl Wilson definitely does not like the Doodler and thought the school should be called the Grizzlies, and he drew his own, like, really buff grizzly bear. Every time he sees the Doodler it annoys him, so that's all I know.

…  
**Darryl:** Hey, guys, look at that Doodler banner! They just put it over their original one. They must have done it rather quickly. Do you think this just happened?

**Henry:** I don't know. I'm just still getting over the shock that they know what the Doodler is. 

…  
**Guard:** Who goes there? 

**Darryl:** Darryl Wilson!

**Henry:** Hello, you've got some gentlemen looking for their sons.

**…**

**Guard:** What manner of beast is this?

**Darryl: **It's, uhh… it's…

**Matt:** I look at Henry Oak and I give him a sign like “come up with something.”

**Henry:** It is, uhh. It is an Oh-des-ee of Hoen-dah, a white beast from many a league far from here and it is— …From the land of the Rising Sun, yes. It has mighty circular wheels for feet and can carry many a soldier.

**Darryl:** But don't worry, it's dead! Do you guys—do you have hermit crabs where you are? …It’s like a hermit crab. This was from the ocean. This was like its dead shell.

**Henry:** It is the shell, yes, the shell of a mighty beast that we warriors slayed and now we use it as our means of conveyance.

**Darryl:** Yeah it keeps you—it like, protects you from rain. You guys have _rain_. 

…

**Henry:** Good call, good call, good call, good call. Let’s pass out those jerseys.

…

**Darryl: **Who's the smallest of us? Definitely not me.

…

**Matt:** I flex.

…

**Henry:** Dad huddle. Ron, sit over there! 

…

**Darryl:** Real dad huddle.

**Henry:** Real dad huddle! Real dad huddle…**.** We'll be right back, Ron. 

**Darryl: **Put the shirt on, put that shirt on.

**Henry **[_to Ron_] Just put the shirt on and hum to yourself. [_to the real dad huddle_] Guys, is Ron saying that he has a big wiener or a small wiener? I can’t tell.

…

**Darryl:** It's something that we're definitely going to have to find out, though. 

**Henry:** Okay, let's table this conversation and get back to the task at hand. Ron, how's the shirt coming along?

…

**Henry:** I think Ron is the best man for the job because he's the smallest target.

**Darryl: **But the biggest in some ways, am I right? …Good luck, big boy. 

**Matt:** And I give you a slap on the butt as you get out of the minivan. 

…

**Darryl:** I don't know if, in a tense situation, honking a horn is the best option. But, uhh, yeah, fuck it. 

[_Matt makes car horn noises_]

…

**Henry: **Ron, vamp. 

…

**Matt: **I put the car in reverse. Just getting ready. 

**Henry:** I'm frantically putting on a Doodler shirt that I found in the back seat to try to get out there and help Ron out.

**…**

**Henry: **The other two, were there two? There were two others before this? … Okay, I think we’re—I think that might be my boys.

…

**Darryl:** All right, Ron, you should get back in here. I think we should all put on the Doodler shirts. 

**Henry: **Okay. Everyone, stuff on them Doodlers. 

**Matt:** Do we have to roll to put on these shirts? [_rolls without waiting for an answer_] I got a natural 20. … So you guys watch me. It’s like, you know those YouTube videos where some lady shows you how to fold a shirt in one motion? You know how they do that? … That happened, but onto me. Like, somehow I just— … The biggest boy. Like, how’d that happen? …It looks good. … It's like my tummy—my tummy fat gets pushed up to my pecs in just the right way that it looks buff. I'm like—

**Darryl: **Damn, this shirt’s feeling good.

**Ron: **Looking good too, Darryl.

**Darryl:** Thanks, Ron. I'm big in some places too. You know what I mean?

**Matt:** I wink. 

**Ron: **Yeah, your pecs are great.

**Darryl: **Thanks, that's what I meant.

**…**

**Matt: **I just wanna say I do think Darryl looks in the mirror of the van and he likes the way he looks for the first time in a long time. **…** He’s like “All right, I’m doing pretty good.”

…

**Will:** Henry’s going to see Darryl admiring himself and is like— 

**Henry: **Hey, Doodler’s not such a bad mascot after all, am I right?

[_Darryl groans_]

**Matt:** I start the car. 

**…**

**Darryl:** [_yawning_] Good mor—Who—Whoa boy. Hey Ron, you should probably go out there and talk to them again. 

**Will: **I unroll the window. 

**Henry:** Pardon us, for we are weary from our travels, but we are eager to make conversation with the previous two emissaries that entered this city. Do you happen to know where they are?

**Guard: **The previous two emissaries were destroyed or disappeared. 

[_Henry gasps_]  
…

**Darryl: **Sorry, Henry.

**Henry: **How—how old and adorable were the two emissaries that preceded? Did they have sandy brown hair? And were they, you know, did they look like they could be twins even though they were—they were about—

**Guard:** It was the same man! It was the same—it was one child but twice! 

**Henry:** [_gasps_] And you destroyed them?

**Guard: **No no no no, we didn't destroy them! They came to us in the night.

**Henry:** Okay. 

**Guard:** They spoke very confusing words. They, in the night, disappeared, and when the next day came, in their place was the Lord of Chaos. Surely you would know these things. You are of the emissary of the—

**Henry:** The Lord of Chaos...

…

**Darryl:** Also, Henry, it might not be your kids. Really quick, were they like —were they, like, really dweeby, and both kind of weak, and kind of walked funny?

**Guard: **I do not know what the word “dweeby” means, but they were certainly small, and weak in as much as if I needed to fight them I'm sure I could, for I am very strong...

…

**Darryl: **Yeah, no.

…

**Guard: **All right. They were loud, they were rambunctious, they spoke often of fighting. 

**Henry:** [_panicking_] Oh my God, it's my two boys! Where are they now? They left? 

**Guard:** We do not know. They disappeared in the night. 

**Henry: **And this Lord of Chaos that you speak of, umm—

**Guard: **Mayhap he devoured them?

**Will:** I’m gonna roll the window up. 

**Henry:** [panicking, on the verge of tears] Guys, what's going on?!

**Matt:** I roll the window down and I lean out.

…

**Darryl: **Sorry, that guy’s just having a tough day; come over and talk to me! So this Lord of Chaos... Darryl Wilson. Nice to meet you. 

**Guard:** Whoa. Another emissary. 

**Darryl: **Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Looks good on me, right?

**Guard: **[_in awe_] It does. 

**Darryl: **Thanks. 

**Matt: **I put my hand out and I shake his hand.

…

**Darryl: **All right. So this Lord of Chaos. What—what exactly happened?

**Guard: **The emissary—your progenitors came in. They spoke many confusing words.

**Darryl:** Like ‘progenitors’ am I right? … What—can you—What does that word mean? 

**…**

**Darryl:** [_to the guard_] Give me one sec.

**Matt:** I roll down the window and I lean my head in so that Glenn can tell me what progenitors means.

**Glenn: **“Progenitors” is just like a real fancy—like, Tolkien—way of saying the people that came before us. 

**Darryl:** What way?

…

**Glenn: **Ah, you know what, don't worry about it, it’s just—

**Darryl:** [_speaking over Glenn_] All right, so anyways. So, okay. They came to those—those dweeby kids came, and then...? … When you say disappear, do you mean they literally—you were staring at them and they disappeared, or they went somewhere that you don't know where they went?

**Guard: **We took them to the Drunken Drow tavern, they laid down for the night. When we checked their room in the morning, they were gone. But the Lord of Chaos made himself known and demanded certain things of us and I'm certain would like to see you. 

**Will:** I unroll the window again.

**Henry:** You say my boys went to the inn? You didn't give them any sugar before bed, did you?

**Guard:** They availed themselves of the myriad of bakery treats and delights. 

**Henry:** Oh dear God.

**Darryl: **What's the matter?

**Henry: **Well, I don't know if that inn is still standing that's all. ... [_to Guard_] We are not the fathers of those two boys and we are not responsible for any damages they may have incurred. That's between them and the owner of the place that they destroyed. I'm assuming that they destroyed it, if they didn’t destroy it, don't worry about it. 

**Guard: **It seemed to be pretty okay. 

**Henry:** Whew, okay.

**Guard: **I mean, but—wait, the fathers of? Those two boys seemingly did not have fathers. 

**Henry: **Well every—every boy has a father. 

**Darryl:** Yeah.

**…**

**Henry: **It sounds to me like my boys came and made some sort of crazy bluff about what the Doodler was. Maybe they think it's some sort of weird monster? I mean, it does look pretty hideous and terrifying, like, I'm willing to admit, but I think that's what gives it such great school spirit. It's like—it's kind of like that weird—… I think we should go see this Lord of Chaos guy because maybe he knows what happened to our kids. 

…

**Darryl:** Yeah. Yeah. Just really quick. Henry, do you really think we needed a dad huddle to say that we're gonna go see the Lord of Chaos? I just think— 

…

**Henry: **It seemed like we were—I mean, okay, all right! …All right, well, at any rate, I think we should just keep going. 

**Matt:** I close the door and go—

**Darryl:** Fucking Doodler should've been a bear. … Yeah, let's go see this Lord of Chaos. Where should we drive our mighty hermit crab?

…

**Matt: **Darryl Wilson holds the keys and he looks at Henry, who I'm assuming looks pretty upset, and he goes— 

**Darryl: **Hey, Henry. 

**Henry: **Yes, Darryl?

**Matt: **I toss you the keys. 

[_Henry gasps_] 

**Darryl:** Why don’t you drive the beast, maybe? Make sure your boys are alright?

**Henry: **I mean, I haven't driven much bigger than a Kia Sorento before but I guess I could try my hand at this. But thank you! Maybe this will give me something to focus on besides the fact that my kids might have been devoured by some sort of chaos lord. I'm not sure exactly what's going on. All right, well, I'm going to go ahead and try to follow the directions to the Pit of Myriad Delights. 

**Matt: **While he's driving, can I do a sleight of hand check to try to steal some Charleston Chews since he's distracted while driving?

**…**

**Henry:** Darryl! I thought you wanted me to drive because I'm having a tough day. 

**Darryl: **Just keep driving! 

**Henry: **You, sir, have an addiction to chocolate that you need to deal with. And I will _not_ have my trust undermined by the likes of you for some Charleston Chews! You get those when you earn them, sir.

**Will: **And I snatch it out of his hands. 

**Matt:** I look in the mirror and I don't look as good as I did a few moments ago. … I slouch, yeah. And all of the sudden, all my pecs fat goes back to my stomach.

**…**

**Will:** Okay. I pull up to the bleeding elf. …And I unroll the window. 

**Darryl:** No, don't give them any money! 

**…**

**Henry:** Hello, sir. Bleeding elf.

**Bleeding Elf: **Hello. Alms, please? Alms?

**Henry:** Well, I'm fresh out of alms, but I have one of these for you.

**Will:** And then I give him the Charleston Chew while making direct eye contact with Darryl.

**Bleeding Elf: **[_gasps_] What is this?!

**Henry:** This is a confectionery that maybe will help you in your travels, ‘cause it seems like you're having a tough day, sir. 

**Bleeding Elf: **Ooh!

**Henry:** And maybe _you_ could appreciate this and so other people could learn to appreciate not taking these things for granted. 

**Bleeding Elf:** I've had a very tough life indeed; let me partake of this confection?…This could take a bit. …Ohhh. Delectable.

**Darryl: **[_sighs_] Yeah.

**Bleeding Elf:** The most delicious thing I've tasted in a fortmonth. I truly appreciate this. 

**Henry:** Well you have a good day sir.

**Bleeding Elf: **I already am, thank you! 

**Will:** I roll up the window and I keep driving. 

…

**Matt: **Darryl Wilson is very ashamed of himself.

…

**Beth:** I think Ron thinks of his parents. 

…

**Beth**: No, just the dynamic. Just. Ron is whisked back into his childhood, listening to Darryl and Henry, and yet there's a—there's a _comfort_ to the way Darryl and Henry interact that was lacking in Ron's parents, but still, he thinks of them. 

…

**Matt:** I just wanna say, Darryl Wilson has definitely not seen what's in the other pit. He’s only looking at that one pit with the—…He’s looking at that one pit. Yeah, Darryl Wilson, seeing that other stuff—…Yes, and he’s very uncomfortable, as a pure boy.

…

**Darryl:** Whoo, hey, huh. Glenn, this is—you’re probably used to this stuff, huh? Whoo!

**Glenn: **This looks like a pretty good Sunday afternoon.

**Henry:** Okay. So it appears there's a lot of weird stuff going on, gentlemen.

**Darryl:** [_nervously_] Nothing weird about sex.

…

**Henry:** Okay. So, apparently—you know I'd have to say, if I—if someone was telling me that a guy called The Lord of Chaos was throwing a party, this is kind of what I pictured it would look like, so I think we're in the right place. I would say, for the most part, try to keep your hands to yourselves, guys. And, you know, don't let anything get in your mouth or sort of like body area. If anyone—

**Glenn:** Too bad you got rid of those condoms, am I right? 

**Henry: **I was about to say, I have a second pack of condoms, if anyone would like to put them on their hands so you don't touch anything gross.

**Glenn:** Hands. Right.

**Henry: **I think there's gonna be a lot of fluids down there. Before we go in, though, I want to establish one rule. Anytime I'm on a field trip to a new place with my beautiful boys, we do a buddy system.

…

**Darryl:** Mmhmm. 

**Henry:** So everyone in the van pick a buddy to keep your eye on during the next little part of our escapade here. Glenn, I'm going to say you're my buddy for today—…—So we’ve got to watch out for each other. Now, Darryl, Ron, can you guys be good buddies to each other and look out for each other?

…

**Darryl: **Ron, where’s—where in this orgy is there a dog? …Is there really a dog in this orgy? …Where's this dog?

**Henry:** Okay, Glenn, I think you should be Darryl’s buddy and I’ll be Ron’s buddy.

**Glenn:** Yeahhh. Hey, Darryl, man. 

**Darryl: **What’s up, Glenn? 

**Glenn: **It doesn't really change the longer you stare at it. Let's get our head in the game, to use a sports analogy, huh?

**Henry**: Okay. Buddies together, united forever, let’s go.

…

**Ogre: **Are you other emissaries?

**Henry: **We sure are, friend, and we're here to see the Lord of Chaos. …But what manner of entertainment is this? We’re from out-of-town and then the sauciest things get where we're from is a little sport known as professional wrestling, which does not have quite as much erotic or violent—

**Ogre: **We've got professionals here in both in both rings. I mean, it's basically just it's all the enjoyments that life has to offer. You have life in its conception and life in its end. It's sort of the whole gamut of the human experience. 

…

**Darryl:** Can anybody just go in that pit? Like, if we wanted to go in that pit? 

**Matt: **I finally notice there's another pit. I go like—

**Darryl:** Oh my—what. No. nevermind. Just wondering if—uhh, what were we doing?

**Henry:** We're here to see the Lord of Chaos to get our sons back.

…

**Anthony:** So, as you guys are talking, a frustratingly handsome man comes up to you. And for the first time since you put on that shirt, you see something that is slightly more attractive than you.

**… **Darryl, for the first time, you’re like “Oh, that's what properly handsome man who’s handsome all the time looks like.”

…

**Sheriff Boreanaz:** Hi, I'm Sheriff Boreanaz.

**Matt:** That name snaps me out of looking at the orgy and I turn and I feel like for a second he does look like David Boreanaz and—

…

**Darryl:** Oh, hi, I'm. Huh. I'm Will's Willy. I'm Darryl Will. I'm Darryl. Darryl. Hi. Nice to meet you.

**Matt: **I put my hand out. 

**Anthony: **He puts out his hand for a handshake and it is so strong. It is the strongest handshake you've ever had. 

**Darryl:** _Oh_. You got quite a grip there, buddy. I'm—I'm Wilson, Darryl, and these are my friends, Henry and— 

**…  
Anthony:** So he looks you all over with a discerning gaze and he says—

**Matt:** I shiver. 

…

**Henry:** Can we call a dad huddle finally? Excuse us for one moment, sir.

**Darryl:** Mr. Boreanaz, we're gonna—we'll be right back. 

**Henry: **Guys, that guy's really handsome, right?

**Darryl: **[_lying_] What? I didn't notice. 

**Henry: **Okay, well, I just wanted to clear the air on that before we—

**…**

**Darryl:** Ron. You’re a real dad.

**Ron:** [_gentle happy surprise noise_]

**Henry:** You’re a real dad, Ron.

…

**Matt: **I put both my hands on Ron's shoulder.

**Darryl:** You're a real dad.

**Beth: **Ron tries not to cry.

…

**Darryl:** Alright, let's do this. Dad huddle!

**Henry:** Okay. Um, I actually think despite the fact that I blurted out the em—that we’re emissaries ‘cause I'm scared. I think we need to just tell the truth. I think that's the simplest thing. Sounds like this guy's a stickler for bullshit. Let's just give it to ‘em straight between the eyes and just be straight shooters with him. Okay? Does that sound like a plan? 

**Darryl:** Yeah. 

**Henry: **Okay. 

**Henry:** [_to Sheriff Boreanaz_] Sir, we'd like to redo our answer. 

…

**Henry:** We are from another world. We tumbled through a portal into your world along with our sons who are missing. And this—this doodle that you see, this is, in our world, what's known as a “soccer jersey” and a “mascot.” Do you—you guys have sports here? Like is—is there—is there like a—for the people who do the fucking, are they like—do they have, like, a guy that they wear? Like, that they sell toys of? …The doodle, the Doodler is a sigil for the fuck sponsor of our children's soccer team.

…

**Sheriff Boreanaz: **Your world sounds _very_ debased and debaunch—

**Henry:** It is.

**Sheriff Boreanaz:** Well that—that can't possibly be true because—cards on the table—the children who came in, I'm assuming they were yours?

**Darryl:** His.

**Henry:** Yes, mine. Yes. …My two beautiful boys, Lark and Sparrow.

**Sheriff Boreanaz:** Has anyone—they disappeared. That is—that is known to you?

**Henry:** We've—we've been informed. We're hoping to—to rectify that situation. Vis à vis finding them.

**Sheriff Boreanaz:** Right. Right. I cannot specifically help you in that regard; I know not where they are. The Lord of Chaos may. But when they showed up it was of great concern and interest to me, because the—this Doo—this Doodler?

**Henry:** Yes.

**Sheriff Boreanaz:** Does resemble greatly a—an eldritch god that [_background snickering_] some of us among the, uh, aristocracy—

**Darryl:** [_disbelieving_] That thing?? Looks like a god??

**Sheriff Boreanaz: **Yes it is—it is a noble and yet beautiful. It is many shapes and yet it is one. It is the perfection incarnate.

**Darryl:** [_inhales_] Sure.

**Henry:** I'm so proud of those boys. I just gotta say it again. But that's so strange, ‘cause in our world it was just a fancy piece of—

**Darryl:** Piece of shit.

**Matt:** Okay, I step away.

**Henry:** In our world it was just a fanciful flight of two beautiful boys’ imagination. So that is equally perplexing what you tell me, sir. 

**Sheriff Boreanaz:** Well, doors have many keys and it could be that the imaginations of your two beautiful children, who are fine...two fine children...two _okay _children could unlock the door that held the eldritch one.

**…**

**Sheriff Boreanaz: **Here's what I propose. I still cannot be certain, 100 percent certain that you are not charlatans. You don't seem to have an air of magic about you that these two children did.

**Henry:** They had magic about them? 

**Sheriff Boreanaz:** Oh certainly. 

**Darryl:** Henry you did spray poison out of your fingertips. 

**Henry:** [_wincing_] Oh yeah. Oh. Fair enough. 

….

**Matt: **Okay. Darryl Wilson starts walking towards the stairs. … And he starts heading down into the pit. 

**Sheriff Boreanaz:** Oh you're ahead of me. I was about to suggest that you go to the—to the ring of combat. 

**Darryl: **The—the combat? No...

…

**Matt:** Darryl doesn't hear him, he just keeps on walking

**Sheriff Boreanaz:** You might be the unsung heroes!

**…**

**Matt:** Darryl also is walking into the pit. The orgy pit. 

**Sheriff Boreanaz: **Oh so he—so that one just—okay. 

**Henry:** Darryl, Darryl!

**Sheriff Boreanaz: **So that one’s clearly not the unsung hero.

**Henry:** _Darryl_. 

**Darryl:** I just—

**Henry:** Do you want a Charleston Chew today or not? 

**Darryl: **I just wanna take a quick look.

**Matt:** I start going down the stairs. 

**Henry:** [_as if speaking to a child_] No, Darryl, Darryl!

**Will:** I grab Darryl. I try to pull him back.

…

**Anthony:** Okay so you catch Darryl’s shirt just as he's about to—and it rips off. … He gets Darryl shirt and tears from the back of its sort of _whoof _and then all of the— 

**Freddie:** So wait, that means that now he's unencumbered and shirtless and walking towards the orgy pit.

**…  
Matt:** So Henry tore my shirt off? … I look at my flabby self. I look at Henry and I push him into the pit. 

**Henry:** What are you doing I don’t want to go in the pit!

**…**

**Matt:** I'm halfway— I would say I'm halfway down the stairs, but I was walking down this orgy pit, and Henry, Henry came and tore my shirt and I just push him. 

**…**

**Will:** As I fall into the pit I go—

**Henry: **Glenn is your buddyyyy! 

**Darryl:** Henry! I just wanted to take a look! Ugh!!

**Matt:** I start covering myself up embarrassed 

**Anthony:** Okay so uhh...alright shit. Boy oh boy. So Henry hits the ground of the fuck pit and you take a d6 of damage. … And uhh as you hit the ground a half elf and a half orc that are scissoring one another sort of turned to look at you and they go— 

**Orgy Participants:** What manner of beast is this. 

**Henry: **This beast is married sorry gotta go!

**Orgy Participants:** Oh marriage, the delights of infidelity. Come closer mayhaps. 

**Henry:** Is this a consensual pit!? I'm out! 

**Orgy Participants:** Oh, we're all about consent, if you don't wanna do it you can bounce.

**Henry:** I'm gonna go. I'm going to go but you guys keep having fun. That's very that's very cool. 

**Orgy Participants:** That's fine that's too bad. We'll be here if you change your mind. 

**Will:** And I scoot through as cleanly and carefully as I can while avoiding eye contact with anything I'm seeing which makes it very hard. 

…

**Darryl:** Sorry about that Henry.

**Will:** I glare at Darryl and then I pull out another Charleston Chew and I throw it into the pit. 

**Henry:** You’re down dos today buddy! 

…

**Orgy Participants:** Oooh delights of many varieties today! 

**Matt:** I run to the minivan to get my original shirt and put it on. 

**…**

**Sheriff Boreanaz: **…How do you feel vis-a-vis the end of the world and the creation of a new one? 

**Darryl:** I don’t really care about this world. 

**Henry:** If it gets me home, you guys do you I guess. [_backtracking_] Well, no, I don't know. I don’t think I’m okay with that. 

**…**

**Henry: **So guys I think we should do some fighting here. I think we should get into this ring and maybe see if we can attract the attention of the Lord of Chaos. 

**Darryl:** It has to be that pit though?

**Sheriff Boreanaz: **Yes it is the fighting pit, not the sex pit. 

**Darryl:** Okay.

**Sheriff Boreanaz:** If you wish to go use the sex pit afterward you're more than welcome to, presuming that the people—

**Darryl: **No, we shouldn't.

**Matt:** And I take out my phone, which I don't know how much battery life I have left. … I am texting—I feel really guilty—I'm texting a text message to Carol, my wife, I'm like, “hey, you know, still trying to find the kids having a fun time with the boys, not doing anything too crazy. Love you. Hope you're not doing anything I wouldn't do or almost—anyway. I love you, Carol.” I'm texting that.

**…**

**Anthony:** … Okay, so you send that text off. You get a response very quickly that's, “Just focus on the kids. I don't care if you're having fun with your friends. Our kids are gone.” 

**Matt:** I fold up my phone and I put in my pocket. 

**Henry:** Alright, I mean, I’m in, I feel like I'm starting to get a handle on whatever weird mystical powers are coursing through my body, so— 

…

**Darryl: **Yeah! We've just gotta show the Lord of Chaos that we’re big men! 

**Matt:** Go the back of minivan like—

**Darryl:** Yeah! Let's see Darnell do this huh! 

**Matt:** And I get a golf club and I go:

**Darryl: **You ready for this Henry?

**Henry:** I'm ready cause I really want to see my sons and I'll kick anyone's ass that I need to to get to them, you know, which is slightly more aggro than I normally go but, what the hey. 

**Darryl: **Fuck yeah!

**Matt: **I take my shirt off. … And I walk in with the golf club into the pit. 

**…**

**Henry: **Here's a question, why is the Lord of Chaos so intent on not looking at the sex pit? That's what I want to know. That's very interesting to me, because that to me, gentlemen, seems like a weakness to be exploited. 

…

**Henry: **If things go south in this arena, here's what I'm thinking. If we can't handle the monsters what is going to impress the Lord of Chaos more than getting a little crazy ourselves? I just—Hail Mary throws I think we all got to get naked. … Because then like, what—what is he looking away for? Cause then he’ll be looking—…—we show him what he doesn't want to look at and maybe he'll respect that. 

…

**Darryl:** If I remember from one of my favorite movies is _300_, and I did some research and I remember—… I remember the Spartans would fight naked, to like, intimidate their enemies. I like what you’re getting at Henry.

**Henry:** So maybe, are you saying we should get nude before we do—? 

**Matt:** I just start—I just start—Darryl Wilson gets naked. … And I'm holding my golf club naked, ready to fight. I’m like— 

**Darryl: **Let's do this. Come on Ron, show us what you got. … Do you wanna save your sons Henry?!

**Henry:** Ahhh! Uh, if everyone's naked but me then it means I'm the naked one and that's weird cause like—it's just, I'm a conformist I'm gonna go along with it.

**Will:** And I take off my clothes.

**Darryl: **We’re all naked, c’mon. …Come on Ron, let's do this. … Alright let’s do this!

**…  
Anthony: **What—Henry, you hear a very familiar set of voices go—

**Voices:** [_whiny and upset_] Nooooo! 

…  
**Anthony: **And you see the Lord of Chaos throws off his clothes, and is clearly Lark and Sparrow standing on top of each other's shoulders. And they go—

**Lark and Sparrow: **[_loudly and very upset_] Daaaaaad!


	4. Episode 4: "I Wish To Be A Love Wolf"

Episode 4 - The Lord of Chaos Pt. 2

Message Machine: At the tone, please record your voice message. [beep]

Darryl: Hey Carol. It's Darryl—uh—nothing, no concern. You know, we haven't found Grant yet but I will any minute now I'm sure. I just thought maybe I missed a call from you since I lost my phone. But you know good old Darryl is always prepared and he's got a backup. You said it was dumb to have two phones but—well anyways, the top right corner of the fridge has this number— it’s on that list of all the important numbers. 

Haven’t found Grant yet but we did find Henry's kids. So you know those little scamps didn’t get very far and they’re pretending to be a Lord of Chaos or something or another. They're getting in a little bit of trouble. But you know everything's fine, Darryl got it under control. I'll give you a call once I find Grant which will probably be any second now, so don't worry about it. Hope you’re doing fine, hope Darnell's doing fine. No—you wouldn't know why Darnell’s doing fine don't worry about it. I love you, I miss you. Oh, gotta go, bye, love you. 

\---

Matt: I'm Matt Arnold and I play Darryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad, and the only woman I've ever kissed besides my best friend Carol was her older sister Stacy. […] It was in The Cross, I was the Roman guard and she played Mary Magdalene, of course. […] And I hadn’t met Carol yet, and she doesn't know about it, and Stacy teases me every Thanksgiving about it, I hope she never finds out. […] I hadn't met my wife yet so— […] She's a grade below Darryl. Yeah, I guess I have a very specific type. […] This was eighth grade. It was my first kiss. 

Will: Oh wow, so you and your wife are like, middle school sweethearts. 

Matt: Oh yeah. We’re high school sweethearts. We finally got together in high school. I started dating her in eighth grade when I was a freshman. 

Will: Wait—she was in eighth grade and you were a freshman?   
[…]  
Anthony: That's gross. 

Matt: It was quite a scandal in our small town. 

Anthony: That's fucking nasty. You’re a dirty boy. 

Matt: Darryl’s a dirty boy.

Anthony: You're also on those people who's never dated anyone else so you don't know what's out there. So you take her for granted she takes you for granted. 

Will: Oh! This makes your hideous actions in the sex pit a lot more understandable. 

Matt: Hideous feels very judgy. 

\---

Will: Guys, this podcast is getting a little fratty, I have to say.  
[…]  
Matt: All right, well, three dads are with their dicks out, but we can't talk about it go ahead. 

\---

Anthony: Anyway, Lark and Sparrow go, 

Lark and Sparrow: Dad, no!

Anthony: And now you see that your children are actually in the box seat above you looking down at you and your horrible dick. 

Henry: That's my boys! That's my—Lark! Sparrow! You're the Lord of Chaos?

Lark and Sparrow: Yeah! It’s great! 

Henry: What in tarnation are you doing up there, young boys?

Anthony: Lark turns to Sparrow and goes—

Lark: I think he’s gonna be angry. What do you think?

Sparrow: Yeah.

Henry: You’re darn-tootin’ right I’m angry.

Lark: Guards! Put them in the dungeon, please!

Henry: Excuse me! Excuse me! Lark—Lark. 

Lark: What? What?

Henry: Don't put Daddy and his friends in the dungeon.

Lark: Okay. [pause] Dungeon, please!

Henry: [frustrated noise] 

[00:05:46]

Anthony: As he says that, the stadium comes alive with a bunch of people that you thought were just sort of spectators. About two dozen of them jump out with spears and swords and stuff like that and encircle you, seventy-five percent naked group. They point their swords at you—are you going to resist—are you can let them take you somewhere?

Will: Which is like the tallest one? I assume the tallest one is in charge. I'm just gonna go start talking to somebody. 

Anthony: Sure.

Henry: Excuse me, sir. Hi everyone, if you could just for a second— […] Funny story. Are you the manager?

Tall Manager: Yeah. Yes.

Henry: Okay. What's your name, sir? 

Arson: My name is Arson. 

Henry: Hello, Arson. It's me, Henry Oak. Those two boys up there are actually my sons. It seems like there's been a big misunderstanding. So we need to reunite with them. That's kind of the whole reason we're here. They're not the Lord of Chaos. Clearly they're just two mischievous yet talented boys. So I think we need to just kind of maybe discuss this whole situation a little bit.

[…]  
Anthony: He hits you in the face—

Henry: Agh!

Anthony: —and you are knocked unconscious.

[…]

Matt: Darryl Wilson, now that the rage of battle has subsided, he is ashamed at his naked form—[…]—and the whole time he is slowly putting his clothes back on, and trying to regain his posture—

Guards: No no no no no! Keep 'em where they are.

Darryl: Boys! Your father spent a lot of time coming to find you—dangers and everything! And you know what? I know you're a good boys—you're good members of the team—I think you should come down here and talk to your old man.

Lark and Sparrow: Hit him, too!

[…]

Anthony: […] They hit you in the fucking head—you go out.

Darryl: Oh no!

\---

Freddie: I would like to say that what they wake up to is Glenn practicing mouth trumpet. So the idea that beat box—so you know like beat boxes can do trumpets sounds, so that is what they wake up to:

[mouth trumpet sounds] 

[…]

Henry: Oh oh oh. What is that heavenly music? Oh it has lured me back to consciousness. Oh okay. Dad buddy system sound off. Where's my buddy?

Darryl: Darryl Wilson here. 

Ron: Wait, I think I'm your buddy. I mean like for— 

Glenn: Nah Ron you and me.

Ron: I was pretty sure that Henry was my buddy because, I remember I was so happy. 

Darryl: I'm pretty sure Henry was my buddy. He stopped me from going, he, thanks again Henry for stopping me from committing quite a few sins back there. I appreciate it. 

Henry: All right. I'm just gonna assume that I'm everyone's buddy from now on. So I'm glad you're all okay. Hello? 

[…]

Darryl: Hello, good sir! Good sir! […] Good sir—I put my hand out through the bars—Darryl Wilson here. 

Anthony: He's way too far away to actually shake your hand, but he just like looks at you and then sort of goes back to just staring at the wall. 

Darryl: I think there’s been a little bit of a misunderstanding. And while we try to figure this out, would you mind giving us our, it’s a little chilly in here, maybe some of our clothes back? 

Speaker: Uhhhh...Lord said, “No.” 

Darryl: All right. 

[…]

Henry: Speaker Travis, could you explain to us what the plan is? Are we—how long are we going to be here? Are we going to get like a lawyer or do we get a phone call?

Anthony: So as you say that you hear two sets of footsteps coming down the hall and Lark and Sparrow, no longer pretending to be a Lord of Chaos, appear before you. I mean walking, they don't like, bamf in or whatever. 

Henry: Lark, Sparrow, it's me your dad. 

Lark and Sparrow: Yeah we know, we put you here. 

Henry: Why did you put me here? 

Lark and Sparrow: Because you seemed like you were gonna tell us to not do things.

Henry: You know sometimes being a grown up means—and being a good kid—means having to not do stuff that you want to do. Like pretend to be a Chaos Demon or whatever is going on here. What is going on here? What are you two up to?

Lark: Well, uh, we're the Lord of Chaos and we're pretty sure—like, it seemed like initially we were pretending, but everybody keeps listening to us so I think we just are the Lord of Chaos. Like we're not actually—like we did it for realsies. So that's cool...but yeah they said that there is a big demon that looks like our Doodler, our creation. 

Sparrow: From our minds!

Lark: And they say if we could summon it, then like, it'll be cool. [whispers] And we think we could fight it and we're going to fight it and we're gonna beat it and that'll be great! 

Henry: Well, I don’t, I’m just, I’m very frustrated by the situation, you know, I tried to get on your guys’ level and, you know, and let you be kids, but you can't just go around summoning Chaos Gods, you can't! I don't care what the Doodler looks like in this world!

Lark and Sparrow: Why not?! Everything you've taught us is that we are the ultimate expression of childhood and perfection, and anything we wish to do, if we put our minds to, we can. [...]So we’re gonna summon an eldritch god and kill it!

Darryl: This what happens when you don’t lay down your foot every once in a while.

Henry: Darryl, shut the fuck up. […] Just— just— just— just let— just let me handle this I know how to talk to these guys.

Ron: Are they both collectively the Lord of Chaos?

Lark and Sparrow: I think so. 

Ron: Maybe we should kill one?

Henry: I don't like that idea personally. 

Anthony: So Sparrow puts up his dukes he's like—

Sparrow: You are welcome to try! 

Henry: Boys!

Sparrow: Power! Power!

Henry: Boys, what's the first rule when deciding upon a course of action? As I've taught you boys, many, many a time.

Lark and Sparrow: Remind me!

Henry: It's to imagine how you would feel if that action was done to you. 

Lark and Sparrow: Yes. 

Henry: So what do you think the con— let's just talk through this okay. I'm going to talk to you guys like adults cause you're big boys. 

Lark and Sparrow: We were previously bigger, but then you showed us your dick and now we're our normal size again. 

Henry: What do you think the consequences of your actions might be? What do you think will happen if the Doodler is unleashed?

Lark and Sparrow: The Doodler appears. We engage it in single combat. We destroy it. We are considered heroes for all time!

Henry: Now what do you do? Are you so sure that that's going to happen? What if the Doodler’s a lot stronger than you are? Do you know how strong the Doodler is? 

Lark and Sparrow: I don't. I don't know. 

Henry: So what if the Doodler is stronger than you, what would happen then?

Lark and Sparrow: Our friends, our cult friends would help us kill him. 

Henry: What if he's stronger than all the cult people?

Lark and Sparrow: Well this seems arbitrary. 

Henry: Well, it's not arbitrary. Because you don't know anything about the Doodler, do you? 

Lark and Sparrow: No...

Henry: It’s like that time when you wanted to jump off that really tall cliff when we were in Bermuda and I said you don't know what's underneath the water, do you remember? 

Lark and Sparrow: I do, but I think we're taking different morals from that story. My moral was, “You should’ve let me do it,” and your moral is that you’re glad I didn’t. 

Henry: No, because there were, remember the tour guide told us that there were rocks under the water and sometimes when you take a big crazy jump, even though it seems like fun, you could wind up hurting yourself.

Lark and Sparrow: Yeah... 

[…]

Matt: Darryl Wilson was like fidgeting with his door. And I'm assuming that Ron was kinda far away. So Darryl definitely thinks he opened all the doors. He's like—

Darryl: Yeah!

[…]

Lark and Sparrow: This is a bad thing!

Anthony:—and they start to run. […] so the cell doors that open are: Glenn Close’s, Darryl Wilson's, and Ron Stampler’s. Henry Oak’s does not open. […] In purple, the ruins appear on the wall of Henry Oak’s cell and they say, “This is your fault.” 

[…]

Henry: Harsh!

Matt: I chase after Henry's boys and scream to Freddie-

Darryl: Take that guard down, Glenn! 

[…]

Anthony: Okay, you successfully grab Lark and Sparrow. You’re naked and holding these two kids?  
[…]  
Lark and Sparrow: Help! Stranger!

Darryl: I'm not a stranger! I'm Darryl Wilson, dammit! And you've been absolutely horrible! You’re going to go talk to your dad!

Matt: And I’m still holding them and I'm walking towards Henry.   
[…]  
Darryl: Henry, I'm doing best! I really don’t want to kick your boys! It’d be really helpful if you said something to them! I really don't want to punch them. 

[…]

Henry: Ron! Ron! Go— go get my other son he’s still running away. 

[…]

Will: As I watch my two bratty boys scrambling around in a grown, naked ass man's arms, and then one of them bites him and runs away, like, my eyes roll back in my head and glow green. And once again my fingers tremble and I plunge them into the ground and I cast Entangle. […] Grasping weeds and vines shoot out from the ground on a 20 foot square starting from a point within range. I cast Entangle at his feet.   
[…]

Anthony: Ooh okay. [rolls dice] All right. Vines shoot out of the ground as Lark begins to try to pull at Sparrow to try and get him out of Darryl’s hands. And they wrap around him entirely and he goes-

Lark: Ugh, ah, ugh, ahhh! This is a good fight. I am excited! 

[…]  
Anthony: They basically see an entangled Lord of Chaos and a Lord of Chaos being held by a man with a dong, waggin’ around in the wind and that's all they see right now.   
[…]

Henry: So Bluff check, you’re the Dad of Chaos and you've just been—they've angered you and you're, you're in charge of them.  
[…]

Darryl: I'm glad you're here! I am the Dad of Chaos and my two Boys of Chaos have been causing quite a trouble.   
[…]  
Matt: But I puff my chest out and act as proud as possible. In fact I even let go of Sparryl. […]  
[…]

Darryl: Please restrain my two boys so we can discuss this like a family, god damn it!   
[…]

Lark and Sparrow: He's making things up. He's a crazy naked man. He's going to attack us.  
[…]  
Darryl: Stop it! These boys are always playing games like this and I swear to God if you don't calm down I will crush one of my sons that's why I got two of them!  
[…]  
Sparrow: Yeah!   
[…]  
Darryl: Oh well, first thing's first. My name's Dad of Chaos, Darryl Wilson. I would shake my hand, but I got my hands full, if you know what I mean.   
[…] All right so first things first—[…]—if you could help me out and these boys always give Uncle Henry a problem there if you could go ahead and let Uncle Henry out and, you know, he can also help explain what's going on. 

Henry: Thanks, Brother of Chaos. Darryl. 

[…]

Guards: Let out Henry, the granola one. That’s what they—

Henry: You have granola in this world?!

Guards: No, that's just what your kids called you. Yeah. Let him out.

[…]

Will: I strut out with confidence.

Henry: Hail and well met, fellow guards. I am, as we say in our world, the Gran Ola of the Chaos realm. I am Uncle to these two childs and a powerful vizier to the Court of Chaos. 

[…]

Darryl: If we're going to talk about this like fathers that we are and uncles, can we please get our clothes? 

Lark and Sparrow: No!

Darryl: I'm not talking to you, young boys! I'm talking to these four fine gentleman who are here to help us. 

Guard: Oh, in exchange for what? Are you gonna let the kids go?

Darryl: In exchange that you don't see this anymore.

Matt: And I start wiggling my dick. 

Anthony: The kids take another d4 of psychic damage. 

Henry: You're killing my boys!  
[…]  
Lark: Ahh!  
[…]  
Sparrow: That was not quite as bad as it hit Lark, but still pretty bad. 

[…]

Sparrow: We are starting the ceremony now!

Henry: A ceremony?! 

[…]

Anthony: Oh okay. All right. So you catch up to him and put a hand on him and, seeing this, one of the guards is going to attack you. […] now you’re basically just in straight up combat. […]  
[…]

Henry: And I go — Smell my stinky palm, you bird bastard.  
[…]

Lark: That's it, huh. That’s the best you got?  
[…]

Henry: I’m going to have to put some ointment on that.  
[…]

Anthony: So 4 damage and in your pain recoil and you let go of your son. […] Lark is going to run for the elevator. […] He’s going to spend all of his actions dashing to the elevator and that's his turn. The lizardfolk is going to run up to Darryl Wilson and he is going to bite you.   
[…]  
Matt: I turn away and just take the hit.   
[…]  
Anthony: —as you say that Dad joke, and you see Lark and Sparrow recoil from it. You are, like, emboldened by the realization that like for all the things in this world that have changed for all the situations that you found yourselves in. There is one constant, and that is that your dad jokes have power and you are emboldened. And now you can feel that you will no longer take any damage from dad jokes. They are now part of who you are. They are your brand. 

Matt: It's what I lived for.   
[…]  
Anthony: Okay so he does 2 damage to you. And he goes—

Kobold: [hissing] Stay away from the Lord of Chaosss.  
[…]  
Henry: Yeah thanks for the advice, chief.   
[…]  
Matt: Okay. You have to let me know if I have enough time to do this. So first, from that hit I evoke Rage.

Anthony: So Sparrow feels you like, hold him tight. And he’s like—

Sparrow: Oh no!

Matt: I'll hold tight and I walk him to the cell. And as I close the door, I stare at him I go—

Darryl: Your father loves you and you should respect that.

Matt: And I close the door. And then I use Interact with Object. I pick up one of the many broken pieces of glass on the ground and hold it in my hand. And I charge at the closest, whatever it was, whatever fucking creature was closest to me. […] I go straight for the underside of his neck. […]A nat 20 with that dagger!   
[…]  
Henry: I consider myself a friend of the birds, sir. And this gives me no pleasure, but as you continue to assault me I have no choice but to defend myself.  
[…]  
Anthony: The kenku looks at you and wide mouth stares you dead in the eyes as the poison begins to eat him from the inside out. And you just watch him, just sort of begin to melt from the inside, and a screech that will stay with you for the rest of your days, should you live to be a thousand, emanates from his horrible maw. And all the donations you ever gave to the Audubon Society echo in your ears. As he dies in front of you. 

Will: I shed a single traumatized tear. […] I'm going to move towards the fruckis, whatever Darryl’s up to. 

Anthony: All right. You are now with Darryl. Which means you are flanking the lizard man. So Darryl will get advantage on attacks. 

\---

Shapeshifter: Not how it works! Not how it works! I shapeshift into something that is the same basic size as me. The mass has to all go somewhere. 

Glenn: Well, so mass is a function, but you can also have density so you can be really heavy. Like from a physical sense.

Darryl: Like really wide, but thin. 

Shapeshifter: Like ants with the fucking, dark matter—

Henry: Go really wide, but thin.

\---

Matt: I mean I'm still holding this gentleman and I still have my bloody piece of glass. So I'm just gonna keep—[…]—going at his neck.[…] Kind of wiggle it a little bit. Saying—

Darryl: They're just children dammit. […] Hey, why don't you try to step away from me and see what happens?  
[…]

Anthony: He's currently looking at a naked man who's just like, “Ah!” with glass in his neck and he's just very, very scared. He goes— 

Lizard: I may try to do that, yeah. 

Darryl: I mean seriously I, I'm totally letting you go. Just take a step away. 

[…]  
Anthony: So behind, over his shoulder you can see Sparrow press the button on the elevator and he sort of reaches out through the grate of the elevator and goes—

Sparrow: [getting quieter as the elevator rises] I will come back for you!

Anthony: And he's talking to Lark and none of you. 

Matt: It figures.

Anthony: And the elevator begins to go up. 

Will: I got to say even though I'm really mad at them for pretending to be a Lord of Chaos and wanting to summon like an Elder God. Like I admire that those two boys are so loyal to each other. You know? I'm just saying I'm just put it out there. 

Anthony: Yeah. They have a better relationship than a lot of siblings. 

Matt: Yeah. They were putting on orgies and death festivals.

Will: But they did it together. 

Anthony: And the orgy wasn't for them. That was they didn't want to be involved in it. They wouldn’t look at it. That was— that was already there. They put on a death festival.

Matt: I guess to be fair, Darryl Wilson did try to walk into it so he can’t really put judgement, he can’t really judge anybody.

Anthony: Didn’t you also shove somebody into it?

Will: You shoved me into it. 

Matt: Well, he tried to—He touched me he was, yeah. 

Anthony: Okay, it is Henry’s turn again. 

Will: Is this how, how does this elevator work? Is it, like, can I ,like, grab onto the bottom of it? […] Okay, like like Sylvester Stallone or like in Clear and Present Danger when Harrison Ford jumps on a helicopter skid. […] All right that's what I do. I run to it and then I jump to grab onto it.   
[…]  
Anthony: Oh okay. You run, you jump, and you successfully grab onto the bottom of the elevator. And you can see Sparrow lean over the side and look at you. 

Henry: Hey Sparrow, you want to hang out with your old man? 

Sparrow: Ah! 

Anthony: He takes a d4 of psychic— He recoils in pain.  
[…]  
Matt: Darryl chuckles.

Darryl: Ha ha ha! Good one, Henry! Nailed it!  
[…]  
Will: Okay. All right. I’m going to climb up into the elevator.

Anthony: You do that and he is, he's lying on his back like holding his ears in pain.   
[…]

Lizard: Whoa! That guy just came out of his pants and then punched on my shoulder. 

Darryl: Good swing, Ron! Good swing! You’ll get him next time. 

Anthony: So it's the lizard's turn. He, taking your advice, is going to run. He's like—

Lizard: Thank you for your mercy.   
[…]  
Darryl: [menacing] You’re welcome!

Matt: And then I do opportunity attack.  
[…]  
Anthony: Yeah. You miss completely. 

Lizard: Yeah your mercy is great! Thank you so much. You’re such a kind person.

Matt: As I miss, I try to , like, change my punch to like a wave. To try and play it like— 

Darryl: Yeah! Goodbye! 

Lizard: Thanks. I'll never forget your mercy. I’ll definitely show up later when you need it most.

Anthony: And then the remaining Kobold, it's his turn. And he just kind of gives up. He's like— 

Kobold: I don't, I don't feel like I could really take on all of you. So I think we're good. Right? We're good? We're good. 

[00:51:06] 

Henry: I'm good. I'm going up an elevator right now.

Kobold: Okay. 

[…]  
Anthony: Okay, while all y'all naked people are down there doing whatever. Henry and his son are moving up the elevator and Sparrow looks at you and goes—

Sparrow: Well, father, I wanted to spare you from this, but we're on the express, up to the top.   
[…]  
Henry: What does that mean? 

Sparrow: It means the ceremony will begin soon. 

Henry: What is that? What's up with the ceremony?

Sparrow: Well you know that the Doodler will be summoned when the blood of the unsung hero is spilled, correct?

Henry: Yes. 

Sparrow: Well the thing about unsung heroes is you wouldn’t know that they're heroic. So the sheriff and I sort of concocted a plan, that I don't think you'll love. That, honestly, I feel a little bit weird about, but it's worth it. To fight my mortal enemy, the Doodler.

Henry: Wait!

Sparrow: I created him and I can I unmake him. 

Henry: Why? Who, who is the unsung hero? 

Sparrow: We don't know. That's sort of the whole thing. 

Anthony: And as he's saying this, the elevator rises to the top of this tower, which is outside. It's got like it. It's like you know it's like a fucking videogame end of tower. […] And you see just a shitload of random ass people. Like poor people, rich people, knights, criminals and stuff like that are just lined up in front of a pool that has a bunch of spikes at the bottom of the pool.   
[…]  
Sheriff Boreanaz: Ah, one half of you have arrived. Shall we begin, sir?  
[…]  
Sparrow: [hesitant] Ahhhh yee—

Henry: No! […] Sparrow, this is insane. You are rowdy boys, but this is, look at what's going on! Those are mothers and fathers and young kids out there. Those are innocent people. I have one question for you. Why do you want to fight the Doodler so bad? 

Sparrow: Because, in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, the top most pyramid—I've learned a great deal in the schools that you've taken us to. 

Henry: I know. We take you to very good schools.

Sparrow: Self actualization is the pinnacle to which a human can achieve. And me and my brother have wished for so long to achieve our pinnacle and self actualize as the strongest boys in the world! 

Henry: You are already the strongest boys in the world. […] You have such a bond between you. That makes you capable of such amazing things. You convinced an entire town of people to worship you. […] You're about to commit genocide. There is no need for you to prove your strength, in the higher strength, than the strength of exerting your will on the world through violence; is the strength of love. Is the strength of compassion, and mercy. Those are the values that you must truly attain, because it's those values that make you vulnerable. That the price of love is fear, fear that you might get hurt. Fear that other—you have to trust in other people. That is true strength. Just violence, just killing people, that's not strength.   
[…]  
Beth: Ron heard all of this from down the elevator shaft and is crying.

Matt: Yeah same.   
[…]  
Will: […] and at the end of it I turn into a wolf. […] As I'm speaking these truths about the universe, a majestic light bathes over my body and I transform into a majestic alpha wolf and I make piercing eye contact with my son. 

Matt: I like your speech about how violence doesn’t matter ends with, “Just in case though, I’m a wolf now.”

Will: But a beautiful wolf. Do you know what I mean?

[…]

Henry: Ahwoo! 

Darryl: [to Lark] Listen your dad, son. He speaks good words.  
[…]  
Lark: I was almost convinced. I was very close to being convinced, but I'm not that convinced.  
[…]  
Sparrow: I was very close to being convinced and then you turned into a wolf. And now I'm fully convinced. […] You are right. The greatest strength is not in violence. It's in loving people and also being a wolf. So that's going to be my new thing that I'm psyched about. 

[…]  
Anthony: So Sparrow opens his arms and goes in for a hug from his wolf dad. 

Will: Okay. Wolf dad nuzzles his son affectionately.   
[…]  
Sparrow: I'm trying to not think about the fact you're also technically still naked.   
[…]  
Sheriff Boreanaz: Am I to understand that you no longer wish to summon the Doodler, Sparrow?  
[…]  
Sparrow: No. I found a new calling, I wish to be a Love Wolf.   
[…]  
Sheriff Boreanaz: No...that won't do. That won't do at all. But it sounds as if, by saving you from the fate of becoming an evil God, that your father in many respects, is an unsung hero. […] Get him.


End file.
